I have a question for mind control subjects: How many people also relate to being on the autism/Asperger’s spectrum?
I relate to the autism/Asperger’s diagnosis, but I don’t feel comfortable in these groups because my experiences are so complicated by mind control and targeted individual challenges. With all three, I feel quite alone.
When I talk to my targeted friends and acquaintances, I must set aside aspects of my challenges related to mind control and autism. When I talk to my autistic friends, I have to set aside everything to do with mind control and targeting. When I talk to my mind controlled friends, I set aside my autism and targeting issues. And when I talk to “normal” friends and family, I have to set aside all three because they just can’t handle any of it, much less all. So there are days when I just don’t have the mental agility to talk to anyone!
Nevertheless, learning I was “on the spectrum” has been a huge improvement in my self-understanding and in my self-care.
First, here’s how I self-diagnosed: A friend called one day, about 5 years ago, and told me she was just diagnosed “on the Asperger’s spectrum,” and she was so relieved by this diagnosis. My response was polite, but I thought, “Ho hum, another doctor diagnosis.” I don’t trust doctors and was sorry my friend had put so much weight in what I thought of as another “stupid label.”
A couple of years later, searching for some distraction on Netflix, I saw a documentary titled “Aspergers R Us” and thought it sounded like a fun way to learn whatever it was my friend had thought so important.
To my great surprise, I loved the characters in the documentary: intelligent in quirky ways, articulate about things I cared for, and then one of them told a joke that blew me away.
I sat upright in my chair, leaned forward and paused the movie. That was a joke – or rather a sideways, wry comment – I’d tried to communicate a number of times in my life, but people had never gotten the humor, never saw the hilarious perspective and the weird truth it called out in our culture. People had only paused for a moment, looked at me questioningly, and said nothing.
I was now dumbfounded. Did my brain also operate like theirs? Was I “on the spectrum”?
Truth is: I’ve never felt like I knew how to act in normal American society, not in kindergarten, not in third grade, not as a 30-something attending business networking meetings. I’ve always stood on the edge of things and watched, making mental notes of what I observed of things to do and not do, which I’d practice in my head until it was time to step forward and act for real. And so I got by in life – with few close friends, lots of friendly acquaintances, lots of alone time, and surprisingly lots of career success when I could work alone. Eventually, after years of awards and accolades, I had a nervous breakdown at the age of 41, and my life has never been the same.
I discovered I was “multiple” when I was 42. I realized I was a mind control subject when I was almost 50 (and suffered years of terror and wishing I was not alive on planet Earth). Then a decade later, someone copied one of my blog posts and called me a “Targeted Individual.” I was around 60, thought the idea made sense and would explain a lot, but I refused to learn anything about it for another few years until the evidence was too overwhelming and I desperately needed to learn how to take better care of myself.
I didn’t want another label to explain my struggles – but this made absolute sense to me. I’d been an activist, successfully leading or participating in activism against some very powerful entities on our planet – the FBI, CIA, Vatican, Mormon Church, etc. Besides that, when I was a naive, mind-controlled 18-year old, I’d been manipulated into joining a secret society, then quit, even though I had been warned it would be a most terrible, terrible, terrible thing to do, with terrible consequences they couldn’t tell us about. Apparently, some group, or all, had put me on a list for constant and severe harassment in the “Targeted Individual” program. (Look it up. It’s a real government program with fake history saying it was discontinued, though it was only put into secret Special Access Project status.)
I had no time or heart or mental space to think about autism/Asperger’s, so I only learned small bits as they came randomly across my computer, so I learned very slowly.
Nevertheless, as I began to learn about autism and Asperger’s, I wondered if my mind control and multiple personality could have “made me” autistic – but I quickly learned that the autistic community rejects vehemently any causality other than genetics. No “bad parenting” discussions were/are allowed.
Was this because doctors involved in mind control were quashing this reasonable line of thought? Obviously parents wouldn’t want to accept it. Maybe doctors and parents together made this an unwelcome theory. Still, there might be causality there. So I kept the possibility open for my personal investigations.
Meantime, regardless of the cause of my diagnosis, I’ve been tremendously helped by the autism/Asperger’s videos I find online. I’ve discovered that all the ways people “on the spectrum” take care of themselves have helped me take better care of myself.
I now say No whenever I sense a situation will be stressful, or I suggest an alternative. Instead of dinner at a new acquaintance’s home (a few-hour commitment to sit in a new space eating unknown food with an unknown number of unknown people who will bring up any number of subjects in conversation and might get up and walk around behind me at any time any number of times – yikes!), instead of that, I suggest tea or coffee (brief visit) at my house (where things are under my control). When the would-be friend calls later and wants to bring a friend with her to my house, I say No, thank you, maybe another day. And if she’s curious or repeats her earlier requests, I explain I’m “on the autism/Asperger’s spectrum” and need to limit the amount of “new input” I can handle at one time. If she’s understanding, great. If not, I am totally fine with losing or postponing the possibility of that new friend.
Everything I’ve learned about autism and Asperger’s has improved my quality of life tremendously. Previous to my self-diagnosis, I spent every day of my life wondering what was wrong with me, what was the source of the fear I experienced daily about not understanding what everyone else was doing. Every new space with more than one person in it was a source of quiet fear. I’d learned to hide it well, and even become successful in my “known spaces.”
I excelled in math class. I excelled in dance. I accepted challenges to put myself forward, even running for high school student council once, and winning (probably because of my name) – but then was unable to walk in the door and join the rest of the student council (those “popular kids”), and was a no-show all year long! Someone else took over my job, and I never attended, never spoke to the other student council members, never told my parents, never told a school counselor, and amazingly, no one came to ask me! (They knew I was the weird student, and probably didn’t want me.) So I got no help and continued to wonder, What is wrong with me? Today, I no longer wonder, and I recognize that I have a great deal of intelligence and I understand better why.
But I’m also (or was?) a mind control subject (requiring I be made a multiple personality), and I’m a targeted individual. My mind control seems to have been quite successful, as I’ve been able to operate at genius levels in certain subjects, given a supportive environment. As a “high-functioning multiple” today, I appreciate the “committee” inside me and all the intelligence my multiple parts bring together when I’m able to focus quietly.
When I can focus alone, I can accomplish complicated, award-winning work, such as launching a successful international environmental design trade journal, raising tens of thousands of dollars for an independent radio station (without big name donors to lead), and do successful international media work exposing the lies of some of the most powerful entities on the planet (FBI, CIA, Mormon Church, Vatican, etc). Clearly, my inner “committee” can operate quite successfully when given a chance. And most likely, that’s why I was targeted, to disable me and diminish this level of work against powerful people.
But my old secret fear – what’s wrong with me? – no longer haunts me when I face new situations. I wish I’d known about it as a child. I now know I have a different sort of brain, brilliant in some ways, but limited in dealing with numbers of people in uncontrollable situations. I can teach a college classroom because the students are one block of humanity, contained in my familiar space, for which I’m allowed to set the rules. I can direct a non-profit Board of Directors for the same reasons.
Attending a large event like a concert or farmers market, where I have no control, I can attend, socialize as much as I want, and leave when I want. I know my limits and now I honor them – without feeling bad about it. I’m unique, and I now like myself so much better – even though I’m still mind controlled, multiple, and targeted. I hate those things, but those are not me.
Those are the result of programs installed by shitty people in power, doing what they’ve always done: act on behalf of the global Powers That Be to control the populace with known techniques and new ones they might try to develop on people like me. I got on their list by being born into a family with lineages under the thumb of the PTB. My bad fortune. But then I made my situation worse by becoming an activist against the PTB, even before I understood why I might hate them. I’ve had to quit my activism to some extent, but I’m trying to make the best of the rest of my life.
Any other mind control subjects here relate? If not, that’s okay. Maybe I’m as rare as I feel.
Or maybe there are others who’ve just not been encouraged or allowed to speak up yet.
Thanks for caring about these subjects. Blessings on us all.