Until I compiled this list from my journal (in April 2012), I didn’t think much had happened in the last 18 months – because the various bits were scattered in different aspects of my mind-control-fractured personality.
Making the list was helpful, somewhat integrating my consciousness, but the exercise was also shocking, incapacitating (two weeks lost to emotional catharsis), and devastating (wanted off the planet so badly I wrote a short list of things I should do first and counted the pills I thought might do it). Thankfully, I went to bed and prayed seriously for help, and woke up with enough clarity to finally shift the energies.
I do this a lot – shift the energy – because there are also a lot of good things in my life, and I often do feel truly happy to be alive.
So, here’s the 18-month chronology, with more events remembered and added since the summary I posted earlier. (Previous years have been pretty much the same, I think, and there are 22 months between writing my book and making this 18-month list still un-catalogued) )
This contains an interesting mix of real-world, documentable wounds with psychic, dream, and emotional events.
Nov 28 – Woke, having been unconscious and lost control of my bladder. Feel like crying all day, and think of vomiting – then realize my stomach doesn’t want to vomit, but “my soul.” Discover Taser burn on forearm the next morning.
early-/mid-December – feel beam of vibration hit my head (feels good), go unconscious, wake in morning with ears ringing. Ringing continues mostly constantly into the present (18 months).
Dec 30 – Garden sprayer is moved from shelf near back door to almost outside – in the space between the back door and screen door. I can’t figure it out, but assume I must have knocked it out there, even though it seems impossible – or could be stupid messing-with-mind stuff, done by MK functionaries.
Dec 31, 2010 – Come home at 10:30 from dinner out and find hot water in the kitchen tap (after I’d been gone for 3 1/2 hours) and, later, footprints in the snow leading from back door up a very steep hillside.
Jan 1- Woke after 5 hours of sleep (I’m a regular 8-hour/night sleeper) and was too energized to stay in bed.
Jan 2 – Woke after 5 hours of sleep again and was too energized to stay in bed. Wonder if I’ve been given some energy boost.
Jan 3 – Feel swelling in my spine, like when I had meningitis. Doesn’t get critical.
Jan 4 – Discover the front door unlocked in the morning, and the blanket I use to stop drafts has been moved away from the door. Cat sniffs the entry way with extreme interest for a few minutes. The front gate, always closed, is open.
Jan 9 – After an 8-hour night, exhausted, I need to go back to bed at 10 a.m. for a couple hours.
Jan 9 – Using a sleep hypnotherapy recording on my iPod, I am jolted awake when it repeats, the setting changed. I’ve never used it for anything other than sleep hypnosis in over a year, so it has always been set to single play, not repeat. I never use the iPod again.
Jan 11 – While singing with friends, I feel upset, leave the room, and am surprised to have an emotional catharsis, experiencing wounded teenage alters leaving my body, followed by vision/experience of energy holes in my body filling with healing light. The experience is so powerful I feel spent and don’t want to return to the group, but there’s no way out; it takes me about 1/2 hour to slowly (pretending to be looking at things) move back into the group’s space, where I just sit, because I have no energy to stand, though I’m blissfully happy.
Jan 16 – Old high school classmate contacts me via Facebook then phone, for series of conversations. I am suspicious, because two years ago a college boyfriend contacted me about this same time of year, resulting in days of intense many-hours conversations, weirdness, promises, flirting, and ultimately my conviction that he was a CIA man, and I’d been played for I don’t know what. This guy I remembered as someone a girlfriend used to date, but he says we dated. He suggests my memory failure might be related to the circumstances of our last date, parked somewhere to make out, when I suddenly “went rigid and began screaming so loud” he thought the neighbors would call the police, and he had a hell of a time getting me back in my clothes.
He also told me he’d written a book involving a character named Jean Ann (the name I used in high school) who was a mind-controlled, amnesic assassin for the Mormon Mafia. That made me sick at first, then angry, and I ended our conversation, and he never called or wrote again after sending me his book that included Jean Ann’s weird “heroism” and sexual weirdness.
Jan 18 – Realize, while singing with friends, that I can see the energy fields between us!
Jan 22 – I notice that a few days’ constant prayers has made life feel much better. Except for bad pain under right scapula – maybe nothing.
Jan 28 – Bruise in center of left thigh, like hypodermic needle might make.
Throughout January – There were many nights when I slept 8-10 hours, but felt exhausted during day and needed naps. Never got sick, but just felt as though I hadn’t slept.
Feb 8 – Wake to find two “scoop marks“ on my right index finger. As soon as I walk, I feel an irritation inside/beside my clitoris, up about 1″ high inside, where I didn’t think it was possible to go! (I feel the irritation for days.) Discover that one of my 2-day old portable door locks is broken.
Feb 126 – Hearing poltergeist-type noises in the house: rustling of papers in next room, ticking and clinking sounds, and finally a man’s voice in the kitchen just a few feet away. I’m so weary of all this, I don’t get afraid. It stops.
Mar 2 – After 8-hour night’s sleep, came home from teaching at noon, exhausted, and fall asleep for 6 hours! Never got sick.
Mar 3 – Woke last few nights with both my arms asleep and tingling, all the way up to my shoulders – even though they were both straight and unconstricted. Is my heart have trouble again? (Saw doctors a lot last year for heart. Better this year.) Are they Tasering me still? In weight-training, I wasn’t able to lift much or do many repetitions.
Mar 5 – Arriving in Tucson at my daughter’s, I get phone call from an acquaintance who hopes I can let another woman stay in my home while I’m gone. Though I have misgivings, I call the other woman and give her permission. Later feel sick about it.
Mar 6 – Encounter with friend of my daughter, and extremely upsetting experience with him, involving sexual vibes toward a child. He insists on walking me out to my vehicle when I leave to visit a friend, and I feel disoriented when I drive away.
Mar 7 – Cry most of the morning at friend’s house. Drive home and meet the woman in my house; try to convince myself it’s okay.
Mar 8 – After having posted photos of my scoop marks, I wake to discover three new scoop marks – just above my anus! Take photos to prove they’re not just more herpes; clearly scoops, but won’t post!
Mar 10 – The woman has asked to stay, and I’ve suggested we fix up the shop for her. We work together to organize the space, but realize behaviors that worry me: she seems to study me a lot, her demeanor is ultra-steady, cool, calculating. I also know I do not want to hug her and feel very uncomfortable around her, so I finally ask her to leave.
Later, my nose suddenly bleeds profusely for a minute or so.
Mar 11 – Very tired and depressed. Went to bed at midnight, woke with severe coughing at 3 and 6, then slept til 10. (I “never” sleep til 10.)
Woman is gone. Toilet overflows for first time.
Mar 13 – Another 10-hour night followed by exhaustion. Woman returns, asks to use shower, does; toilet overflows again.
Wrote: “Eyes feel swollen with tears unexpressed…live wire in me, getting hotter…inexplicable events of not being able to look at people…a few embarrassing events of feeling not in control of my mind…two days of intense sobbing, bouts of worry that I’m creating this, followed by checking my story for confirmatory evidence, reviewing it – the Taser on my arm for which I still carry the scar.”
Few times, found computer connected to modem when I think I’ve disconnected it.
Write an email asking trusted friends for a healing circle. Just a few reply. I think only a few received my email; the rest were derailed – can’t believe people wouldn’t respond. Pull self together.
Mar 21 – Slept 10 hours. Exhausted. 2-hour nap – still exhausted.
Mar 23 – New tone in right ear.
Mar 24 – Outside, don’t notice any tones. Inside, back again, audible even with music on.
April 5 – Kitchen clock suddenly loses 15 minutes. Re-set, same batteries, keeps perfect time.
April 18 – Discovered bruise on my buttock – large and painful – but no memory of any injury. Take photo, don’t post. (Will remain visible and painful through April 30.
April 19 – Wake after 6 hours with super energy all day, even though I’d had a lot of sun over the weekend and then forced myself to get up early to grade papers. Should have been sleep-deprived.
Also found a large, painless bruise wrapping around two joints of my right middle finger.
April 27 – Have been seeing counselor (wondering if anyone might believe my stuff – and not be part of the MK network). This day visited a psychiatrist, hoping for PTSD diagnosis, so I could get disability and not have to work, and maybe NM medical marijuana prescription. He enters room with brief glance and begins rapid fire of questions without eye contact or any expression of concern, sometimes hostile. After hearing my evidence of MK, including seeing photos of my Taser wound, scoop marks, sliced vagina and more, he determines I have “delusional disorder” (I have the medical record).
Sometime in March or April – Male acquaintance visits to discuss alien experiences. After sharing a few experiences, he suggests we should be in relationship; I feel repelled by him, but have sex with him anyway. Extremely upset with my having been mind controlled again.
May 7 – At art market, I sell a valuable necklace for $50, even though I realize it is worth far more (multiple, large semiprecious stones strung with silver filigree findings, given me by my mother). It’s the day before Mother’s Day. Feel myself come out of trance after it’s sold. Feel sick, as I really needed the money.
(May 22, I began a relationship with Greg, a handyman and musician, whose wife, a few days earlier, had suggested we get together, as they’d been living apart, planning to divorce, and she thought it would ease their transition. I had long thought we had a cosmic connection, and she had been suggesting this to him for months, so even though we’d only briefly spoken at our weekly singing and occasional music events, we did begin a relationship. Ten days later, she died of a heart attack. Life became a storm of communications and responsibilities, but in the center of the storm, we felt amazingly calm. I had a 2 1/2-month respite from anomalous events.)
Aug 13 – Greg and I attended a community celebration, where I met a different local psychiatrist, whom Greg knew (colleague of a friend in this small town). The doctor wore sunglasses even though we were in shade, and when Greg tried to introduce me, the doctor became agitated. I’d just heard his name, but it didn’t register, so I asked him again. He ignored me, and his agitation increased. I pointed to his name tag which had flipped over, indicating he should turn it back and let me see his name, and he began looking very anxious to leave. Greg flipped over his name tag, and I said, “Oh, Doctor ____,” and he literally fled.
After teaching that day, I sat with Greg to practice some songs, but began to have a rare anxiety attack and couldn’t sing. Suddenly, I knew the doctor was in my programming network, probably the local head guy, judging by his status.
Aug 31 – Discovered a “bug bite” inside the crack of my buttocks. Few days later, new herpes sores.
About this time, I wrote another MK author, and received back a very dismissive letter, suggesting I had no evidence of anything and shouldn’t be muddying the research waters. I thought either she was a disinformation specialist, or the letter was not from her.
Sept 7 – Received a creepy email: “WARNING. HANDLE GR WITH CAUTION. CENTRAL HAS INTEL ADRIANA CALLED IN.
“CHANNEL NOT SECURE. SINGLE USE ONLY. DO NOT REPLY.
“REPEAT DO NOT REPLY.
“FOR IMMEDIATE ACTION: DOUBLE DELETE MESSAGE.
“WEd 11:32 pm 9/7/11
My partner’s initials are GR. I assume “Central” means the CIA? And Intel Adriana is some code name? I copy the message and delete it.
Sept 12 – My partner received an email message from an acquaintance, threatening me, and – almost worse – insinuating that we had somehow threatened her.
Exerpts: “be careful jean… I’m really tempted to post this desecrating vile motion from you [don’t know what she’s talking about]… in a public place so the shit you just tried to coat on me [again, don’t know what she’s talking about]…is brought into the light for all to see… i’d think twice…before you fuck with me again…. I have shared this with many people… all who stand as witness to all that has taken place here…. from the beginning of time [from the beginning of time?]…. i would be careful if i were you. many beings of light stand beside me…. i am not someone you want to fuck with….the two of you see as an opportunity to use to rape the sacred feminine…and use that energy to try to destroy me. fuck you both for that. shame on you….trying to hurt someone like me….don’t you dare join forces to harm me…. get your energy off of me and my sacred world.”
Immediately, I thought she might also be mind-controlled (I know some of her history) and might receive programming to hurt me or us.
But I am also familiar enough with COINTELPRO (FBI tactics, likely used by CIA) and thought there was also a good possibility that she could have been sent a false letter as if it was from me – something as crazy as this. Or maybe this was the only false letter, as if from her.
Since the letter demanded we not contact her, we waited for an opportunity to ask some mutual acquaintance if she had really written this, and in the meantime, since the letter did contain threats (be careful…I’m not someone to fuck with) and sounded so crazy, we took it to the police. They said they never found her home and let it drop.
Over the next months, the few friends of hers whom we know have seemed either unwilling to speak to us or think we shouldn’t be concerned – though no one has seen the letter, and we only described it in general terms.
(When I was pasting this into this post at 2 a.m., my old-style telephone (with a slider bar for ringer volume) began making faint ringing sounds. A warning to not post? I’ll post anyway.)
Jan 1 – Slept for 12 hours! Neck still out of whack, since Oct 22.
Jan 12 – Slept 9 hours. Very tired. Napped. Had lucid dream of astral traveling in someone else’s house.
Jan 25 – While talking on the phone with Greg about 9:30 am, mid-word, something suddenly dropped out of my sinus and into my throat, which I coughed into my hand, and looked at in amazement. It was spherical, about 1 and 1/4″ in diameter, glossy, clear with a little gold coloring, and quite beautiful, like something from the ocean. My brain said, “Does not compute,” and since I was on the phone, I told Greg about it, dropped it in the trash, and continued with our conversation. Later that evening, I remembered that it had been nothing like mucous, as it was not sticky, but very slippery, allowing it to drop from my sinus so immediately, so cleanly. When I retrieved it from the trash, it had “melted” into a cream-colored blob, which I’ve saved.
Jan 27 – Lung crud, with no attendant throat issue. Assume it’s related to the spherical blob. I’d have this lung crud for a couple of months. No one catches it from me, though I cough a lot. Not normally infectious. “Designer disease”?
Feb 24 – Lots of back pain all week, with no explanation – just woke with it one day. Now, have “hypodermic-type” bruise on right front thigh again. Two nights last week of 10-hour nights of sleep with much exhaustion and no illness.
Feb 29 – Woke after 8 1/2 hours sleep, feeling exhausted, like “something’s wrong,” with headache, bruises on knee (Greg thinks I had them before, but I don’t recall), and weird dreams which I told Greg but no longer recall, and neither does he.
Took 2-hour nap, woke at 3 pm when friend arrived to get something, couldn’t wake fully up, had a very hard time speaking and walking. Greg came home and was shocked to see how “out of it” I appeared, trying to talk to friend and words just not coming. Took hours (during which time I drank coffee, ran an errand, cooked dinner and ate) before I felt myself finally awake. (Yikes – ran an errand!)
Mar 12 – Found photos (jogging my memory), of leg bruises and small parallel cuts on my hip, each 3/16″ long, 1/8″ apart.
Mar 13 – Woke last night with dream of Greg whispering to me in an instructive manner. In an altered state, I expressed shock and despair, and he continued to whisper instructions, but in a manner as if joking with a child about ghosts.
In morning, I was devastated at the possible meaning of this and told Greg my recollection. He said he’d had a similar dream-type experience, but was at a loss for an explanation.
Throughout the day, we discussed the possible meanings: He’s my controller, unconscious, and controlled himself. He’s my controller, conscious, deceitful (my worst nightmare). Someone is using technology to give us both disturbing dreams to ruin our relationship and get me alone again.
We continue to discuss it, and I continue to feel wonderfully supported in this relationship. (My anomalous experiences remain about the same as they were before we got together.)
April 10 – Two scoop marks on my back.
April 11 – I decide to make a chart of all my anomalous experiences logged in my single “anomaly journal.” (Previous years’ events are scattered in many, time-overlapping journals, so I’ve never taken the time to sort through them.) I’m stunned by how many things have happened and sink into a downward spiral of depression.
April 16 – Notice small bruise (“hypodermic needle type”) on right forearm. I ignore it for a few days, but wonder whether two apparent dots are significant or not. Take a few photos, but it looks small and unclear through the hair on my arm.
Four days later, the bruise is gone, and I see the two dots are similar in size and spacing to the Taser dots of November 2010. (I assume they adjusted their voltage properly this time.) Photos again are inconclusive – until I have Greg hold the skin on my arm a little bit taut.
April 23 – The man who came into my life last spring, with whom I felt mind-controlled to have sex, emailed and asked to talk because he’s having memories he think would be helpful for us both to discuss. He agrees to meet with Greg as well, but we haven’t yet set a date.