Tag Archives: Blogging201

Second Sunday Summary: Surprising Spiritual Healing

The week’s highlights:
~ a powerful (and surprising!) heart-healing experience
~ discovered and rediscovered reading and videos
~ cleaned and cleared energy in house and yard
~ decision to limit computer use

skeleton-hand-holding-anatomical-red-heart-free-tee-design-sMost amazing first:  It began with a massage.  Greg thought he was being intuitive, but I experienced it as being gouged in that soft spot just below the heart at the highest point beneath the ribs.  It was so shocking that I ended the massage and was physically ill for two days afterward.

Greg felt terrible to have caused me pain and was confused because he didn’t think he’d gouged me at all.  I went through bouts of serious fear that he’s multiple too and had subconsciously (in another alter) tried to hurt me.  I freaked out quietly and practiced being calm and open-minded that maybe something else had happened that I just couldn’t understand yet.  As my friend Darlene often says, “More will be revealed.”

As soon as Greg left for work the next morning, I called a healer friend.  After asking me a few questions to eliminate more serious possibilities, she told me to treat myself very gently that day, hold that place, send it love, and give myself permission to cry.  I did all those things, cried, then refocused on the work I wanted to do that day.  But I also read a bit online and became convinced that Greg had bruised my liver.

For two days I moved slowly, skipped exercise, and the second day called a Nurse Hotline to make sure there wasn’t something else I should know about a possibly bruised liver, and was encouraged to go to Urgent Care – which I thought I’d do, but decided to keep doctors out of it.

My journaling was full of hate and despair for two days, though I could always turn my attention back to working on this site.  (I had signed up for a WordPress blogging course, so it was helpful to keep my mind otherwise occupied.)  I also slept two long 10-hour nights.

The second morning, my journal says, we talked in bed from 4:45 − 8:45 — four hours! – after which I wrote in the margin, “Really??” – meaning that I wondered if there was some amnesic time in there – more stuff I might have worried about, but I didn’t.

Instead, I felt inspired to do yoga for the first time in many, many months.  I continued to upgrade my website, deciding it was worth spending the money on to be able to load videos onto.  That was immensely satisfying.

Later, I went to exercise and worked the machines with more power and conscious sensation of my physical body than I usually have – of muscles exerting and relaxing, exerting and relaxing – fascinating and very satisfying.  I marveled at this and was happy to tell Greg when I got home.

That evening when I finished my website work, Greg was playing music in the living room, songs I like to harmonize with, so I sat down and I joined him in a few.

Suddenly, I became aware that the area around my heart and liver felt different.  The writer in me sought for the descriptive word, so I focused my attention there, and seemed to perceive a hole, an opening – something through which energy was moving!  Energy was flowing, breathing in this place – so central to singing, obviously – so that now I could perceive – after the fact – the blockage that I’d always known was there but couldn’t feel or address, and now the blockage was gone. 

I thought to test whether this was the blockage that had dogged my singing all these years, see whether I could sing with more power now, and I did notice a little new energy flowing up and into my voice.  It was exciting.  But I was tired.  It had been a difficult couple of days, and I’d expended a lot of energy already in exercise, and it was late, so I’m looking forward to the next practice.

Apparently, Greg had pushed a trigger in me, probably something that has existed locked up in me for decades, hurting me for a few days, but ultimately releasing an old knot of something that had been clenched in my chest for who-knows-how-long.

I’ve heard more than once that sometimes in spiritual healing, you don’t need to re-experience all the horrors to clear them; sometimes, you can just feel the general essence of them, acknowledge them consciously, and “let them go,” bless them for whatever learning or wisdom they brought, however difficult, and let them go.  

Sometimes they’re biggies and might take lifetimes to heal.  However long we carry them, eventually, when we understand enough and accept enough, they can be released.  And we feel the release in our bodies, and our bodies becomes freer, our minds become freer, our emotions become freer.

And I’m so grateful.  (And grateful that I didn’t waste much time in “Oh, my God, this is horrible” mode.  That would have been a big waste of time.)

“More will be revealed.”  Yes, sometimes it makes the best sense to just suspend judgement and wait for that more.  Thanks, Dar.

And thanks, Greg!  And Elizabeth.

Not to say that some of those dark things that had me in their spell for a few decades doesn’t represent some important truth worth knowing.  They are very worth knowing; they just aren’t the whole truth.  

Even when we think they’re the most controlling energies in our lives, we need to remember they’re not All.  There are also wonderful energies dancing all around us all the time.

We must experience both, but we don’t need to go down the drain just because some of the energies seem to want to pull us there.  Our job is to keep rediscovering our relationship and learning new skills.  (Hmmm, sounds like my old definition of shamanism.)

(Ironically, the last accomplishment I’d noted in my journal before the massage that kicked off my heart disturbance and healing was the creation of a new Spiritual Healing page, “Healing Help,” in which I compiled my best offerings.)

From teacherweb.com

From teacherweb.com

My other favorite writing this week:  My first “Friday Foundation” series, “Mind Control in World History,” my first “Friday Random Beauty” post, a few new paragraphs at the end of my Home page, and a draft, “Scribe for our times” post that isn’t up yet.

century of the selfRediscovered writing and videos:  The transcript of DC Hammond’s “Greenbaum Speech,” offering the psychotherapist community help in healing multiples, and The Century of the Self video series – we’ll be rewatching all four hours of these over the next weeks – they’re that good, and that important.

culture highJust discovered last night:  The Culture High:….”is the riveting story that tears into the very fiber of modern day marijuana prohibition to reveal the truth behind the arguments and motives governing both those who support and oppose the existing pot laws. … incredibly moving testimonials from both sides of the spectrum.  Top celebrities, former undercover agents, university professors and a slew of unforgettable characters from all points of view come together for an amusing yet insightful portrait of cannabis prohibition and the grasp it has on society as a whole.”

CCHSAnd the Citizens Commission on Human Rights videos – regarding the abuse that psychiatry has become – in a series of engaging, entertaining, and scary videos.  Maybe a little heavy-handed at times, but I’ll be watching more and reporting back.

One more accomplishment is both negative and positive:  I collected a huge to-do list from my last weeks’ journals.  So I gotta ask my muses – or multiples with so many great ideas:  You/we gotta slow down.”  Breathe.  They’re all on a list.  Nothing bad will happen if any don’t get done.  Relax.

rock creek houseSo, I decided I want to limit my computer work.  When I was a hermit on the land, I always kept a commitment to turn off the computer before sunset and to be out on the west patio every evening, whatever the weather, watching the sun set and the light change from day to night.  It was a wonderful practice.

Not a normal New Mexico sunset, this sky was made dramatic by smoke from a nearby forest fire, 2012.

Not a normal New Mexico sunset, this sky was made dramatic by smoke from a nearby forest fire, 2012.

My new home here is nestled into a hill on the eastern slope of the southern Rocky Mountains, which block the dramatic views that were the daily staple of my previous life.  Now, to the west, there’s just small-town neighborhood rising up the hillside toward the Continental Divide.  So I lost my daily sunset habit, and sometimes now I write all night long.

So, to support my healing, I want to write and otherwise be on the computer only part-time, and so I plan to experiment, and see whether I can turn off the computer at noon or early afternoon each day, leave behind the world of ideas in bits and bytes, and make it a joyful ritual to go into the garden (or the sunroom if the weather is unpleasant outside) and see how the plants are doing, reconnect with the living world.

bathroom art

This alter-like art was created in the flow of clearing energy recently!

Healing comes in lots of forms.  The most recent I’ve encountered and written about are:  accidental (thanks to spirit helpers guiding us), clearing space in our physical environment (a biggie!), spending wordless time in the garden, exercise, and eating excellent, tasty, healing food.

Wishing you, my readers, many healing blessings,
And very grateful for mine ~

Jean

Jean Eisenhower
Silver City, NM
November 3, 2014

Mind Control, Multiple Personality, & Me

For subscribers who haven’t visited in awhile, I’m posting the contents of my new Home page.  The entire site has been recently reorganized, rewritten, and become, I hope, a more useful, and “friendly,” resource for those needing to learn about this subject.  I invite you to visit.

reunion cropI am an educator on mind control, artist, author, publisher, mind-controlled “multiple personality” in healing, and activist working for the healing and human rights of mind control subjects.

To that end, I offer these pages of information – non-academic, easy-to-read – which touch on folklore, history, religion, spirituality, cosmos, and culture as they relate to mind control and multiple personality — along with my personal, on-going reports on the path to healing.  Below is a 3-minute video, produced in 2010:

Is Multiple Personality Disorder “crazy”?  Actually, it’s considered a creative solution, usually emerging accidentally in childhood, to keep from going crazy when experiencing something like torture.  The vast majority of us experienced torture as children in one way or another.

Children under torturous conditions who don’t “leave their bodies” and dissociate, and the torture is repeated, usually become schizophrenic.  So dissociation, MPD, is a blessing in disguise, as it’s fairly easy to heal (unless complicated by mind control); whereas, schizophrenia is considered incurable.

How it comes about, in simple terms:  Under extreme stress, a person, especially a child, might “leave their body” to escape unbearable pain; the mind, however, keeps recording – now on a blank slate – which then becomes another personality.  This creates a pattern in the person called dissociation; with ongoing stress, the pattern is repeated.  (Today MPD is called Dissociative Identity Disorder, but many of us prefer the old term.)

real old cu

2012

2013

2013

Being a multiple personality has not been easy, but it’s been far less difficult than typically depicted in books and movies, and in some ways, it seems to be an advantage:  I have the capacity to manage a wide variety of mental tasks, as I seem to have a lot of “minds” holographically in my being.  Managing them is the trick, and I have always done pretty well, most of the time.  (At the bottom of this post are some of my accomplishments.)

The common perception of “multiples,” as being tragically out of their own control, is true for some, but many multiples are also very high-functioning, even testing at genius levels (as I have a few times), though they often have severe mental, psychological, emotional, and spiritual challenges — as readers of my book can appreciate.

Candyjones_cover-210Mind Control  There’s also, obviously, a very serious downside to “multipleness,” which is that the people or groups who created my alters probably still have access to my programming and may continue to re-program me to use at will.  When they do, I have bizarre perceptions, find wounds on my body, and afterward usually am severely depressed and sometimes emotionally incapacitated for extended periods of time.

Despite the foregoing, I must acknowledge the positive aspect of multiple-ness because it masks my disability.  In other words,  I look not only “sane” and “normal” nearly all the time, but sometimes exceptional; therefore, a person might ask, how could my crazy theory be true?

I also mention the positive aspect because it contains my hope for full recovery:  Having the perspective of many minds, I have, since 1993, been working with my alters, untangling messes, and removing unwanted programs.  It has taken time and emotional stamina, sometimes incapacitating me for mundane things, at which times, I have not appeared “exceptional” at all, but severely messed up.  And I’m still not “one.”  But, I’m working on it.

Jean SCM crop 3w

2013

Friends and acquaintances who know my story often don’t know what to make of it, because they rarely see the symptoms or don’t recognize them, so I’m accepted well enough in my community to be employed (when I want and am able) and have a wide circle of friends.  Besides, so many people are struggling with something.  

My hidden disability, though, makes it very hard to make a living, and I’ve been bailed out by my parents many times.   Good therapists seem to be rare and hard to find, or else I’ve been controlled to avoid them, or they’ve been threatened by my controllers into avoiding treating me (commonly reported by others).

taser cuThe worst of my experiences involving apparent mind control – that I recall – happened in 2010:  I woke up extremely debilitated after a ten-hour sleep and found a third-degree Taser burn on my arm.

This bruise showed up ten days after another very similar showed up on the back of my leg.  No explanation except...

2014 This bruise showed up ten days after another very similar showed up on the back of my leg. No explanation except…

Much more is documented on this site, including weird bruises, apparent injection bruises (most common), a broken door lock, deep vaginal lacerations, biopsy “scoop marks,” and more.

DSC01402Why am I not terrified?  Well, I have been, and suicidal more times than I can count.  But I’ve talked myself out of it. I’ve worked and prayed to try to understand our world, Good and Evil, the psyche and our power to navigate treacherous waters.  And here I am.

DSC02944Life has been moving on an upward course since I’ve been focusing my spiritual practice.  I have a wonderful home and garden, lots of friends and friendly acquaintances, a supportive partner, enough work to pay the bills, and a satisfying artist’s life.

After 38 years of never singing in public (stage phobia related to mind control), in 2009 I began to sing publicly again – a most amazing breakthrough for my mind and psyche.  And I’ve regained my ability to participate in life and see what Goodness I can add to our amazing human drama here.

And as a life-long activist for a variety of causes (saving mountains and downtown inner city schools, for instance), I now feel called to shine light on this criminal enterprise which steals people’s free will.  I thank you very much for reading this far.  I applaud your courage.

How do I really know I was a mind control subject?  Check this page for a little bit more of my personal and family history.

~

I pray the content here and in my book helps others trying to understand their own stories and heal.

My best advice after gathering information:  Remember fear and anger are natural, but a stage to go through and to move beyond.  Remember that everything Good in this world is stronger, eventually, than the Dark, and focus on that Good.  And check out my pages on Healing!

If you believe in a benevolent Higher Power, by whatever name, connect, hold fast, communicate, listen, and keep the best possible vision in mind in order to generate a vibration sympathetic with the energies of the Higher Power.

Today I believe these experiences have blessed me with one other thing:  greater awareness than I would ever have had of the larger realities of this world.  Therefore, they are extremely important to my life.  We do believe we have the power to survive, understand, and help things improve for each other.

I have no idea exactly how.  I feel that everyone on this planet, though, is facing a huge cataclysm very soon, and our world will change in ways we are probably not prepared for, and our minds are probably not prepared for.

So it will require an especially flexible mind to survive the ontological shock I believe is coming.  And those of us who’ve already been shocked out of our shoes – who knows? – we might find it easier to adapt and see and respond to what’s going on.

Ontological shock is the disorientation a person endures when deep foundations of their mental framework become shaken.  It will change our entire meaning of life – and who we think we are as humans.  (Sort of like many lifelong Catholics have been experiencing for a decade or more, or a married person feels when they discover their spouse is cheating, or a parent feels when a baby is born with a problem, or anyone feels when someone near them suddenly dies – but much bigger.)

Our current structure of thought will not survive the changes.  Words will truly fail us.  So it’s imperative we get our energies, our vibrations clear, to be able to trust our perceptions.

Blessings on you ~

(p.s.  All these photos were taken in the last couple of years, though I often look decades different in age.)

More info

Screen Shot 2014-04-15 at 2.32.31 AMFor more on how it feels – to me – to be a multiple personality, check out this page:  Multiple-ness:  What it Feels Like.

cia doctorsFor a quick definition and overview of Mind Control  – check out my page “Mind Control Defined.”

break programming copyFor links to some of my Healing posts, check out “Hope for Healing.”

And please remember to “Join/Listen!” (Button’s up top in the right corner.)

Off this site, WantToKnow.info has an excellent site with mainstream documentation on many controversial topics, including mind control.

Accomplishments:

RF 2nd Ed coverAuthor:  RattleSnake Fire: a memoir of extra-dimensional experience;
The 2013 or Year One Almanac, Datebook, and Journal;
the 2004 Almanac/Datebook/Journal for Southern Arizona;
the 2003 Almanac, Datebook and Journal for Tucson and Southern Arizona;
the international Permaculture Drylands Journal (associate editor, 1989-91);
and numerous articles and newsletters, including international publications.
Praise“great literature….tour de force!….important historical document,” and more.

Awards in journalism (UPI First Place, Arizona-Utah region), creative writing, art, theater, videography, real estate, Permaculture, and national recognition for non-profit fundraising.  Others:  served in Leaders Circle of Tucson Resources for Women.  Invited to Leadership Tucson and Mensa.  Served on numerous local boards, twice as president.

~

Thanks for visiting ~

New Video Page

Hi Friends,

Many new improvements on my site!  New organization, new material, new look!

Among them:  a new video page – with almost a dozen videos watchable right there!

I Was OneThe first video, lovingly and artfully crafted back in 2010, went immediately viral, with a thousand hits both the first and second week, and continues to get shared and viewed widely.

body marks stillThe series of videos, each 5-8 minutes long, I produced to provide a simple overview of criminal mind control, multiple personality disorder, and my healing work.  There’s an introduction, and each subsequent video covers briefly one subject:  my experience with MPD; my experience with MK; reasons I believe I was chosen; marks left on my body; memories from childhood; a reading of the first chapter of a friend’s book which sets the scene quite well for mind control in American history; and my immediate recounting of a cathartic healing event.

terrence mckennaAnd then there’s 35 more videos by others, which link to YouTube – but one click and all 35 are lined up and ready to watch or choose from:  Terrence McKenna, Colin Ross, Travis Walton, and many others speaking on American culture, mind control, and other related topics!

I hope you’ll visit!  https://paradigmsalon.net/videos/

First “Sunday Summary of Soul Healing” – new weekly feature

reunion cropThis Sunday Summary of Soul Healing I intend to make a weekly series, featuring the most significant of my week’s journal entries including spiritual experiences, disturbing anomalies, accomplishments, and progress on my Big Questions.

(My poll here last week said that “personal experiences” was a major interest of my readers.)

I plan to keep it short and to the point.  So here goes….

Note:  This first Sunday Summary will cover the previous two and a half weeks, rather than one weeklaying a better foundation for the weekly series.

My last journal notebook ended with 2 Big Questions, one of which was:  Is mind control “just what is” and we should all learn to accept it?   (This is not as depressing a proposition as I’ve mused on it – but I’ll get to that soon.)

~ This journal began with a bang:  October 9 I was so speedy (and I drink no caffeine), that I couldn’t believe how much I was getting done, though I was happy about it.  Eventually I began to worry about myself.  (Getting seriously manic?  Will I become seriously depressed next?  I’m usually a highly productive person, as I was trained to be, but this is over the top!)  In the evening, I was embarrassed when my daughter came over with a friend and I was not just chatty but practically performing a humor routine while cooking and having a blast!  Not me

The next day I crashed and for the next 9 days, my sleep was extremely erratic – anywhere from 4 hours to 11 hours, but my days were approximately normal.  Then…

Yet another.  Always the same:  small, in the flesh of my thigh.

Yet another. Always the same: small, in the flesh of my thigh.

~ Disturbing anomalies – three new hypodermic bruises (they seem to me, or they could be Taser marks, as they often seem double) appeared where they usually do – on one of my thighs.  I discovered this on the 18th – though it might have been there earlier.

two bruises

Circles indicate location. (One of them is actually a double bruise.

On the 19th, I discovered two more, and one was clearly double, and I had no energy, just drug around all day in a stupor.  And both days, I ignored my notebook journal all day long.

IMG_1724[In case new readers think these tiny bruises are “nothing,” I have to say I would agree except for the context:  I’ve woken with many hundreds of weird marks on my body in the last decade, including healed surgical scars, Taser burns, weird donut-shaped bruises, and more (check my “Photo History” and “Summary of 18 Months as an MK Subject“), not to mention all the other evidence of mind control.]

~ A lifelong recorder of my dreams, I’m still experiencing long periods of not being able to remember any – and I worry the controllers are keeping me from remembering them, since I believe they’re important to my healing.  I even told some dreams to my partner – instead of writing them down – and then promptly forgot them!  And then he couldn’t remember either.

~ Energy infusion – October 20, sitting at my computer, I had what I call an “energy infusion,” in which energy pours into me with such power, I have to stop what I’m doing and just receive it.  It feels great, not frightening at all, and usually I just get back to work, as I did this time.  In the past, these experiences have sometimes resulted in fascinating conversations with spiritual beings offering me good counsel.  Perhaps I had a conversation but don’t remember.

hulk(Context:  In the past, when I’ve tried to describe the sensation, the only thing I could compare it to in our spiritually-compromised culture was my old memory of Bill Bixby and Lou Ferrigno in the 1978-82 TV show, The Hulk, when energy would pour into Bill’s character, causing his back to hump up and his arms and legs to tighten, just before the Hulk went on a rampage to right some intolerable injustice.  In my book, I flippantly called my energy infusion events “the Hulk routine” because the energy download flows powerfully into my muscles – and I can’t stop it.  But, as I said, it feels great.  Afterward, I feel energized and rejuvenated.  When others have been around and have seen the energy contort my muscles, I’ve usually tried to disguise it and have occasionally moved as if spontaneously deciding to stretch, once danced with it, and at least once posed, trying to hide behind a little humor, a bit like Lou Ferrigno is here, sans roar, and without ripping my clothes or turning green.  I’m shy about these events – have never heard anyone describe anything like this, so this is only the second time I’ve written about them.  Sometimes, the experiences have come with profound healing events.  Once, I suddenly felt the presence of teenage-aspects of me, a lot of them, all wounded and crippled, suddenly released and sorta milling about in me, then whoosh, they began to flow up and out into another dimension, freeing me of all their pain and confusion.  I then called in Goodness and Healing to fill the space.  Once after an infusion, I sensed a spirit who seemed very familiar, existing in other dimensions, and I asked her, “Who are you?”  She didn’t answer (or I was programmed to forget), but she gave me one bit of advice:  “You gotta buff up.”  The jargon was so unexpected, it struck me as very funny.  But, since I had gotten out of shape and overweight, I answered, Okay, and have been working to keep on a better health regimen now.  I have no idea how many energy infusions I’ve experienced – I’d have to read a few dozen hand-written journals to make a count, and I’m not going to do that any time soon – and I probably don’t write them all down, they’re that common – but it’s been a few dozen anyway.)

faerieA few minutes after the energy infusion, I experienced a fairy-like being dancing near me, even inside my aura, in another dimension.  I love those experiences!  I didn’t get or don’t remember any particular message, but I sure appreciate it when they drop in.  Continuing to feel great, I worked again until 5:30 in the morning.

~ Two days later, I “crashed” and felt sick all day.  Then I was back to normal.  The day after, though, I felt okay until l tried to meditate or pray.  My writing turned from sad to musing on being off this planet and out of this life as a mind control subject – I used the word suicidal (not uncommon) – but I recovered and got myself back to normal.  In bed that night, I received another energy infusion that went on unusually long, and I directed it into a spontaneous yogic stretch exercise, for ten minutes or more, which felt extremely healing.

Unfortunately, as I began to communicate with my Spirit Family, I experienced something not uncommon that I interpret as communications-jamming from the controllers:  black and white films (seemingly chosen randomly from old libraries) played on top of each other in my mind’s eye while I tried to connect with Family.  (The films are varied and nothing from my own life:  from dusty street scenes in third-world nations to boating trips involving people I’ve never seen.)  As I wrestled to clear my energy field, I saw my aura being pulled out of my body while an idea teased that I could leave this life now if I wanted.  I had to do spiritual warfare to keep my body and spirit together and drive the vision away.  This weirdness is intense and also pretty routine – I seem to be developing skills to cope with it – so I accomplished the feat, went to sleep, and the next day was “normal.”

~ During this time, I mulled over – a lot – a blog I’ve been thinking of posting, titled, “Mind Control:  Just What Is?”  The idea continued to pester me, and grieved me at the same time.  Just now, I discovered it was already posted (last April!) and read it again and think it’s well worth discussing.

monkey2~ Related to that, I’ve been mulling over a question I’ve actually been asking myself for at least a year or more:  Is the way controllers treat their mind control subjects like me no worse than most of humanity treats other animals (either directly or complicitly through tax dollars and no objection)?  I believe the answer is yes.  And then I’ve asked my journal, Does that mean we’re not necessarily dealing with “Evil” from an external source as many claim (Satan’s demons spawning Satanists, Illuminati, and murderous psychopaths in secret government programs), but just dealing with a fractal-like manifestation of our own human selves, macrocosm reflecting our microcosm?  And the corollary:  If we, collectively, learn to treat animals and the planet better, might other humans stop creating and abusing mind control subjects?  

I have partial answers to these questions, hinted at in “Mind Control:  Just What Is?”, but there’s more complexity I need to introduce soon.  For now, I’ll leave you with this “Summary” and welcome your observations and questions.

(Lest this all sound too wacky for you and you want to write it all off – wait!  Perhaps your world view (your paradigm) could use some stretching.  To that end, you might want to read my pages “Multiple Personality – Not Crazy,” “Jean’s Spiritual History,” “Mind Control Defined,” and/or my business site, JeanEisenhower.com, with a fairly extensive history of my accomplishments in business, activism, and the arts.)

I also plan to write a Friday weekly series on folklore, history, religion, culture, cosmos, and spirit – as they relate to mind control, multiple personality, and healing – starting this Friday.  Any ideas for the series title?  Philosophical Friday?  Fundamental Friday?  Foundational Friday?  Friday Folklore and More?

Multiple-ness: What it feels like

looking downBeing multiple….  It feels like having a number of holograms of oneself occupying the same body.  Most holograms are connected and coordinated, but oftentimes there’s misconnection, and it’s not so easy to be as graceful in social situations as I’d like to be.

But it only sometimes feels like a serious disability.  

reunion cropOften it feels like a super-ability – though not easy socially.  But that’s okay.  Being me is very interesting.  It’s like having seven (or more) sets of eyes on the world.

I have lots of conversations with myself, about everything.  In social settings, I often feel “slow,” but sometimes I might have been super-fast:  I might have had a few different responses to the subject in discussion, and my brain might have been working over each point of view, weighing merits, comparing ease versus economy across a few parameters, brainstorming mediating possibilities for various negative aspects – and wondering which streams of thought might be most interesting to share with others – and then the subject might change and I’ve not had a chance to weigh in.

Sometimes I try to summarize, but that’s hard to do on the fly, and often fails.

Jean SCM crop 3wOther times, if I know I’m facing a social event that will be demanding, I prepare, sleep well, eat well, pray, do yoga, go slow, dedicate myself to the responsibility, and put in the work.  And lately I’ve begun accomplishing my goals.  Feeling very strong.

Off and on throughout my life, I’ve been very proud of my work and won awards, and other times I’ve experienced the most pathetic failures, including the failure of the will to live.

But so have many people.  We’re living in a time when personal crisis should happen to everyone.

I Was One cropMost people, though, can’t bear to hear the next person’s story.  It’s too intense.  And so we live in a culture where everyone is under stress, but no one can talk about it, further stressing ourselves with isolation.  A huge percentage of Americans are medicating themselves.  We can’t take our own stories.

But, with drugs, hope, news control, entertainment, and other forms of social mind control, we compel ourselves to do what we can hardly believe we have the ability within us to do:  we create beauty, fight for just causes, love, and sacrifice.  (Or we work our jobs and fight for others’ causes.)

 

Photo on 6-19-13 at 11.30 AMAs a multiple, my sense of time is quite fractured.  I start out each day, usually knowing what day it is, but when the days flow behind me, they’re in a jumble.  I have feelings about something being a few days ago, or longer or closer, but I’m often not sure if an event happened three days ago or seven, yesterday morning or the morning before.

at desk croppedThere’s just no single flow.  Different parts of my days are handled by different parts of me.  One comes out in the morning to keep me slowed down so I can do yoga before I begin flying around being German-ly productive.  The business woman gets on the phone.  Someone else cooks, someone else socializes.  They are all pretty aware of what each other does, but they don’t seem to have a system that allows any of the “presenting” me to know what order things happened in.

Jean at Ds cropAnd if the part who sees an acquaintance in the food coop isn’t the part who interacted with that person at a workshop last weekend, then I will be disappointingly awkward when we pass.  Within a minute or two, a connection would be made in my mind, and I might remember we’d had a deep conversation.  Just seconds too late sometimes, which can be very disappointing.

I used to get depressed about myself, and embarrassed, but also confused.  Why?  Why?  Why did this happen?  And what’s happening?  I feel weird, but I can’t explain it.  And for decades I didn’t know.  At least now I know.

 

real old cuIn 1994, at age 42, one year after I’d slid dramatically into a serious spiritual crisis of Bigger Why’s?, essentially a nervous breakdown (some call a “spiritual crisis”), I was reading Michael Talbot’s The Holographic Universe, and came upon a description of people with Multiple Personality Disorder.  The funny thing was: as soon as I read the sentence, I couldn’t remember what I’d read.

The blankness was weird.  I read the sentence again and again, and every time I reached the period at the end of the sentence, the excitement of some provocative idea reverberated through my body, but my brain was totally blank – and I wanted to know what had excited me so.  Creepiness grew as I read and reread the same sentence.  Finally, I stopped and asked myself how I could approach this a different way.  I thought to read it aloud.

Involving both eyes and ears, I got past some gate and realized I was reading symptoms that seemed a perfect description of me – but not anything I wanted to consider.

The description was of a person with Multiple Personality Disorder (today called Dissociative Identity Disorder).

As usual, I had a range of responses: No!, dread, humiliation, loss of hope that I could pretend to be like others, crushing defeat, loss of dreams, fear of loss of respect – of my children’s respect, of anyone’s.

But one part of me said, very sensibly, Or this could be the first step to healing – which you have been craving for a long time – the solution, the understanding, the answer.  Accept it and get to work with it.  Tomorrow.

I said Okay.  There was nothing else to do.

I/We went to the medical library early the next day and learned MPD is not always as bad as the movies about the most extreme cases, thank Goodness.  MPD, the books said, is actually quite healable, once you have a diagnosis.  I actually felt hopeful of making progress.  But I couldn’t take the noise of the city anymore.

Within a week I’d decided to leave the city and, using credit cards, build a small hermitage on some land my ex and I had purchased and I’d agreed to take in our recent divorce.  I would become a hermit, and the silence and solitude would serve my healing work there.  I’d always lived month to month; I’d make it work.

The previous year, my son had battled and recovered from cancer, and he and his sister didn’t need me and my breakdown emotions around any more.  They were barely (or almost) old enough to be on their own, so, with their good riddance and my apologies, I left them in their first solo apartments and moved 100 miles away into the desert.  And I began to heal with spiritual assistance.

 

reclining at PDC cropAll my parts, together, have a lot of wisdom – that’s the upside of multiple-ness – and we began to try to figure things out.

It didn’t come along fast or easily.  Most researchers believe that those of us created intentionally to be multiple have commands inside us to avoid healing – which seems the case for me.

And healing’s painful, so there’s natural avoidance.  I’ve had energies build so strong in me sometimes that when the emerging memory comes through, it has dropped me to the floor, entirely unable to stand.

I’ve also felt parts of me see each other for the first time, recognize each other, and make some sort of connection.

As good as that is, it’s also disorienting.  I wonder what I’m supposed to do next to make sure I don’t slip apart again, unsure whether I should be paying attention to how I orient myself newly to the world.

I’ve heard parts of me speak brilliance from somewhere inside that seems beyond this dimension of me.  And I believe it is.

I’ve channeled healing energies to others, and received goodbye’s from friends and acquaintances just passing over, when no one knew they were.

I’ve read people’s vibes, accidentally, and knew they knew I’d read their vibes.

Steps forward and backward.  Side trips.  Or swirls  – and then I realize it was an amazing spiral upward.  And I keep going.

 

Socializing is most difficult.   I prepare, and then take it in small doses.  Otherwise, I hit the wall and am exhausted or do something that’ll make me cringe for weeks.

I’m like herding cats.  Imagine a few versions of me connected for various purposes – but not for socializing.  Sometimes I just have to go home.

I am less hard on myself these day, and more often philosophical:  Life on Earth is crazy now.

 

DSC01303I guess I’m what they call “a sensitive.”  And it’s not easy being sensitive in a global Apocalypse – and I don’t say that with any tone of hysteria or naive hyperbole or joking.  I mean it literally:  apocalypse means “unveiling,” a time when we see.  And we are.

I have a bunch of me seeing, which can get overwhelming sometimes.

But acquaintances seem to forget or forgive.  So I forgive myself too, and keep on keeping on.  Creating beauty where I can.  Singing because it feels good.  Trying to be useful.  Don’t know what else to do.

I trust all this struggle has been for a good purpose.  It has certainly opened my eyes and let me see what I would either have missed, or not wanted to see, or pretended I didn’t see if I didn’t have to.

Of course, I always wonder if I couldn’t have had my eyes opened in some easier way, and I get no answer.  Or I get answers I don’t like.  So I wait.

 

Do all these photos look like a typical range of differences in one person?  Just curious how physically striking is my multiple-ness to others.  Comment below?  Or answer the question in the box.  Thanks!