The week’s highlights:
~ a powerful (and surprising!) heart-healing experience
~ discovered and rediscovered reading and videos
~ cleaned and cleared energy in house and yard
~ decision to limit computer use
Most amazing first: It began with a massage. Greg thought he was being intuitive, but I experienced it as being gouged in that soft spot just below the heart at the highest point beneath the ribs. It was so shocking that I ended the massage and was physically ill for two days afterward.
Greg felt terrible to have caused me pain and was confused because he didn’t think he’d gouged me at all. I went through bouts of serious fear that he’s multiple too and had subconsciously (in another alter) tried to hurt me. I freaked out quietly and practiced being calm and open-minded that maybe something else had happened that I just couldn’t understand yet. As my friend Darlene often says, “More will be revealed.”
As soon as Greg left for work the next morning, I called a healer friend. After asking me a few questions to eliminate more serious possibilities, she told me to treat myself very gently that day, hold that place, send it love, and give myself permission to cry. I did all those things, cried, then refocused on the work I wanted to do that day. But I also read a bit online and became convinced that Greg had bruised my liver.
For two days I moved slowly, skipped exercise, and the second day called a Nurse Hotline to make sure there wasn’t something else I should know about a possibly bruised liver, and was encouraged to go to Urgent Care – which I thought I’d do, but decided to keep doctors out of it.
My journaling was full of hate and despair for two days, though I could always turn my attention back to working on this site. (I had signed up for a WordPress blogging course, so it was helpful to keep my mind otherwise occupied.) I also slept two long 10-hour nights.
The second morning, my journal says, we talked in bed from 4:45 − 8:45 — four hours! – after which I wrote in the margin, “Really??” – meaning that I wondered if there was some amnesic time in there – more stuff I might have worried about, but I didn’t.
Instead, I felt inspired to do yoga for the first time in many, many months. I continued to upgrade my website, deciding it was worth spending the money on to be able to load videos onto. That was immensely satisfying.
Later, I went to exercise and worked the machines with more power and conscious sensation of my physical body than I usually have – of muscles exerting and relaxing, exerting and relaxing – fascinating and very satisfying. I marveled at this and was happy to tell Greg when I got home.
That evening when I finished my website work, Greg was playing music in the living room, songs I like to harmonize with, so I sat down and I joined him in a few.
Suddenly, I became aware that the area around my heart and liver felt different. The writer in me sought for the descriptive word, so I focused my attention there, and seemed to perceive a hole, an opening – something through which energy was moving! Energy was flowing, breathing in this place – so central to singing, obviously – so that now I could perceive – after the fact – the blockage that I’d always known was there but couldn’t feel or address, and now the blockage was gone.
I thought to test whether this was the blockage that had dogged my singing all these years, see whether I could sing with more power now, and I did notice a little new energy flowing up and into my voice. It was exciting. But I was tired. It had been a difficult couple of days, and I’d expended a lot of energy already in exercise, and it was late, so I’m looking forward to the next practice.
Apparently, Greg had pushed a trigger in me, probably something that has existed locked up in me for decades, hurting me for a few days, but ultimately releasing an old knot of something that had been clenched in my chest for who-knows-how-long.
I’ve heard more than once that sometimes in spiritual healing, you don’t need to re-experience all the horrors to clear them; sometimes, you can just feel the general essence of them, acknowledge them consciously, and “let them go,” bless them for whatever learning or wisdom they brought, however difficult, and let them go.
Sometimes they’re biggies and might take lifetimes to heal. However long we carry them, eventually, when we understand enough and accept enough, they can be released. And we feel the release in our bodies, and our bodies becomes freer, our minds become freer, our emotions become freer.
And I’m so grateful. (And grateful that I didn’t waste much time in “Oh, my God, this is horrible” mode. That would have been a big waste of time.)
“More will be revealed.” Yes, sometimes it makes the best sense to just suspend judgement and wait for that more. Thanks, Dar.
And thanks, Greg! And Elizabeth.
Not to say that some of those dark things that had me in their spell for a few decades doesn’t represent some important truth worth knowing. They are very worth knowing; they just aren’t the whole truth.
Even when we think they’re the most controlling energies in our lives, we need to remember they’re not All. There are also wonderful energies dancing all around us all the time.
We must experience both, but we don’t need to go down the drain just because some of the energies seem to want to pull us there. Our job is to keep rediscovering our relationship and learning new skills. (Hmmm, sounds like my old definition of shamanism.)
(Ironically, the last accomplishment I’d noted in my journal before the massage that kicked off my heart disturbance and healing was the creation of a new Spiritual Healing page, “Healing Help,” in which I compiled my best offerings.)
My other favorite writing this week: My first “Friday Foundation” series, “Mind Control in World History,” my first “Friday Random Beauty” post, a few new paragraphs at the end of my Home page, and a draft, “Scribe for our times” post that isn’t up yet.
Rediscovered writing and videos: The transcript of DC Hammond’s “Greenbaum Speech,” offering the psychotherapist community help in healing multiples, and The Century of the Self video series – we’ll be rewatching all four hours of these over the next weeks – they’re that good, and that important.
Just discovered last night: The Culture High:….”is the riveting story that tears into the very fiber of modern day marijuana prohibition to reveal the truth behind the arguments and motives governing both those who support and oppose the existing pot laws. … incredibly moving testimonials from both sides of the spectrum. Top celebrities, former undercover agents, university professors and a slew of unforgettable characters from all points of view come together for an amusing yet insightful portrait of cannabis prohibition and the grasp it has on society as a whole.”
And the Citizens Commission on Human Rights videos – regarding the abuse that psychiatry has become – in a series of engaging, entertaining, and scary videos. Maybe a little heavy-handed at times, but I’ll be watching more and reporting back.
One more accomplishment is both negative and positive: I collected a huge to-do list from my last weeks’ journals. So I gotta ask my muses – or multiples with so many great ideas: You/we gotta slow down.” Breathe. They’re all on a list. Nothing bad will happen if any don’t get done. Relax.
So, I decided I want to limit my computer work. When I was a hermit on the land, I always kept a commitment to turn off the computer before sunset and to be out on the west patio every evening, whatever the weather, watching the sun set and the light change from day to night. It was a wonderful practice.
My new home here is nestled into a hill on the eastern slope of the southern Rocky Mountains, which block the dramatic views that were the daily staple of my previous life. Now, to the west, there’s just small-town neighborhood rising up the hillside toward the Continental Divide. So I lost my daily sunset habit, and sometimes now I write all night long.
So, to support my healing, I want to write and otherwise be on the computer only part-time, and so I plan to experiment, and see whether I can turn off the computer at noon or early afternoon each day, leave behind the world of ideas in bits and bytes, and make it a joyful ritual to go into the garden (or the sunroom if the weather is unpleasant outside) and see how the plants are doing, reconnect with the living world.
Healing comes in lots of forms. The most recent I’ve encountered and written about are: accidental (thanks to spirit helpers guiding us), clearing space in our physical environment (a biggie!), spending wordless time in the garden, exercise, and eating excellent, tasty, healing food.
Wishing you, my readers, many healing blessings,
And very grateful for mine ~
Silver City, NM
November 3, 2014