I think I’ve been just a little naive about how far along I’ve been in my healing.
Just because life seemed okay, and I’d had a number of amazing experiences of alters recognizing each other, and I recognized a controller in the community, and recognized other people to avoid, I thought I was on the way, and doing pretty dang good.
That was the thinking of a fractured part of me, who makes her way fairly well in the day-to-day world.
And sure, she does okay (though she has a hard time recognizing people sometimes). She does okay because she doesn’t have a very good memory, so with everything so spotty, things feel alright.
So I could go on the radio and talk about healing (as “a person in healing,” I said), but I didn’t have the understanding last week that I have today: that I have lots more healing to do. What I shared on the radio and outlined in a blog, “Suggestions for Healing from Mind Control,” was a very good foundation, I’d say, to get one strong and supported for the real work ahead.
The realization of the harder work came about when I went through my “anomaly journal” to create a table with dates and categories to tabulate.
I noticed repeating patterns, counted them, and realized some significant trends in my life, which I detailed in my “Summary of 18 Months of MK events” blog and my “MK Summary” video.
From those summaries, I further summarize:
1) The largest amount of mysterious stuff going on feels very negative. (Or do I only write down the negative?)
2) Only a small amount of metaphysical stuff going on feels like it supports my soul. (Or maybe I should make sure that I’m noting this good stuff.)
3) I still forget a lot, and I forget to pray, even though I know it’s a sabotaging alter telling me to wait or quit being so formal or something else dismissive.
4) When I look at it all together, I’m amazed that it makes such a clear pattern – which I failed to see.
What am I to make of this?
Shame for having been in denial? Let’s not waste the energy.
Denial has been an important part of my survival, as it is for many.
So maybe our path is to acknowledge just as much as we can, and no more – a little at a time, and more and more, enough to work on, and not too much to overwhelm.
So, here I am, pushing myself, teaching myself, healing myself, breaking into another realization that there is yet more I must do.
What do I want to do?
Recognize and break my command cues.
I don’t know that I’ve followed any commands in at least a year, maybe two – but every bruise on my body could have entailed a command that I just don’t remember.
I don’t know, but I suspect so. Maybe they’re testing me all the time, and I just don’t notice.
I know I’ll feel more confident about my freedom when I consciously recognize a command cue and don’t obey.
Do we ever know? How, if we don’t recall amnesic events?
Have others woken up to recognize their cues?
Is everyone more aware than I am?
Or are we all struggling on this level?
Or am I the kindergartener here?
The Paradigm Salon 
“Spirituality” encompasses so much – which we understand now doesn’t mean “diefic worship” as you said. But just being open to spirit is both naive and dangerous, but in a sense essential also – I believe. And that’s why discernment must be the first task of spirituality.
Thanks for the offer of an iris. I saw a few I loved, but I don’t really need one more thing to take care of, and don’t want to give you one more thing to do. So, thanks, Krystal – I’m touched by the offer, very much.
Til later ~
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Here is a link to some pics of about 1/2 of the varieties I have. if you see anything you like, I’d be happy to send you a few :o)
http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v14/Paradox1022/Irises/
We are right now in the process of moving the farm from PA to MI. Heck of a thing to do, moving over 1500 irises LOL With any luck I will stay put for awhile. This is my 78th move in life.
No I have not read The Secret Life of Nature, but I’m an avid reader so I’ll be sure to pick it up, thank you !
I have problems with spirituality other than a general feeling of the connectedness of all things. That was part of the programming…to be highly spiritual which I was most of my life until they decomissioned me as I was causing problems when their own programming backfired on them. What they did to me, took the spirituality away as well as many other things. It’s coming back slowly but not in the form of deific worship.
Your second paragraph is absolutely familiar. They deal in opposites. Extreme opposites in generous amounts can fry the brain…but also give us insight into paradox. ( hence my photobucket ID ) Freedom is found in paradox. Humans are wired toward opposing values and I believe when it says in the biblical texts that Adam and Eve ate of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and were cast out of the garden, the reference is that paradox…is the garden.
Sorry, I don’t mean to take up your time. I know you are probably exhausted from all the writing and replies. I don’t expect you to reply but I thank you for listening and being here. Peace, Krystal
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Hi Krystal,
Love hearing about your iris farm! I have irises blooming right now in the garden, and they’ve always seemed magical to me, since I was a child.
I can’t say that I have any alters that I find seductive, but I sometimes feel a beam of something I’ve described as seductive and delicious as “electronic heroine” (though I’ve never done heroine – just assuming).
One came on me a few weeks ago with incredible power – but following a shock of fear accompanied by a psychic message, so I felt more on guard than usual. part of me wanted to sit still and enjoy it, but instead I went outside and began praying in the garden – and the delicious buzzing went away when I called on my help.
“We’ve got to get back to the garden,” sang Joni Mitchell. (Maybe that’s why the controllers also seem to be trying to destroy the planet’s ecosystems. Seems they’re hitting us on every front.)
I do not mean to be fatalist. Ultimately, I believe we will collectively (at least some of us) rise to confront this with enough strength (with our extra-dimensional family in support) to gain our freedom.
Whether I personal find comfort and productivity in my life is not my concern. My goal is to keep fighting for my own mental freedom and encouraging others to do the same, so together we can shift the energies of this planet.
You in your garden, all of us wherever we are, even if we can’t see the whole picture, we know in our hearts where Life is….
I know what you mean about not being able to have normal confiding relationships. It’s a big loss. But there is also an upside. We are far more knowledgeable about our selves and our minds and spirits than others. And on other realms and in other lives, we’ll make up for the losses in this one.
I’ll think of you when I see my irises and send you blessings, Krystal.
Have you read Peter Thompkins “The Secret Life of Nature”? I love it! It summarizes the history of Western (Greek and Roman) thought, including the repression of the wisdom of nature through time – including the information that we receive from the cosmos via plant life! Yes! What a stunning revelation that was for me. I do believe it now, and can feel it. I wonder if that’s why Jesus prayed “in the garden”????
Blessings on us all! Thank you for writing, Krystal.
Jean
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I almost cried reading your replies. The part about nature. That is my life. The beauty of nature. Quiet. The wind. The stars. I avoid stressful situations like the plague when it’s possible. My mind never shuts off….well it breaks down but it does’nt shut off. I somertimes welcome the dissociative states. I don’t know if I should say this but the severly dissociative alter…is seductive to me and dangerous like a drug. I’ve had to force myself not to go there when I do have any control. I started an iris farm and that is something I can do regardless of the state of my brain and it calms me and gives me joy. I don’t want to “leave” when I’m in the garden.
I was one of the babies, born into the program. ( I was also chosen for my bloodline ) They were trying to create a child that was dissociative from birth so they ECT’d my mom while she was pregnant with me and fed her experimental drug cocktails. Then I went through the hosts of programming and trauma. Nobody would believe my life. That’s part of what angers me. I can’t have normal confidential relationships with close friends. Pets and plants for me LOL
Thank you for being here and stepping out with the truth.
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Greetings,
Just watched your MK Summary pt 2. There’s an open door for you and a secured place where to be and get out of all that. Practice vipassana meditation, the traditional way, as described in http://www.dhamma.org/. If you need personnal teachings for it, find a monastery of a traditional branch called “the forest monks”, all these must be for free, they always work like that. Please get out of everything psychic, mystical or whatever, you’re not prepared to walk in these fields securely. The most powerful and secured place is just within you and you can reach this place with vipassana meditation. Believe only in your inner self and in your own experience. Also, you need to be in a secured place to receive all prays you’ve been asking for.
Blessings
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I agree with you about the danger of “walking in these fields securely” – though I’ve been believing that, if I just put all the right pieces together, that I would make it – though I’ve had premonitions of the danger that can befall me as I try to leave the control of people who do not want me to be free.
And I have been intending since yesterday to write about my new “hit” of an idea – four parts working together – that I thought I’d be writing today by now, and will probably still do – but perhaps now with this new possibility incorporated.
One of the four parts was meditation, which I was going to do while walking, because I have such a hard time sitting still. But the prospect of free mediation guidance is very exciting. And the prospect of security, too…. I’ll consider it.
I know that the psychic, mystical world in which I’ve lived is filled with dangers. I’ve just always accepted that, and thought that it was part of our (everyone’s eventually) training, like it or not, dangerous or not. I’ve also always put my own knowing above that of mystical practices, like divination, though I’ve practiced that too, especially when “at a loss.” But my own knowing was primary – though sometimes I can’t hear it. My inner knowing is, obviously, short-circuited – by design.
Can I trust a meditation center? So many places promise to provide the answers, and I’ve gone back and forth on whether to trust anyone, but could never afford any, so never had to answer this question of trust! Now to hear that Vipassana is free…. Hmmmm. And how do I know it’s truly secure? I guess I could go “vibe it out.”
I may consider what I’ve never yet considered. Thank you.
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jean are you the jean grandaughter of pres e i did not recognize this pic al though these stories are scary and hard for some people to belive ive investigated many claims and find them to be authentic my thoughts and prayers go out to you i could not fathom going thru what you did keep strong and know that people like me admire your strength and courage.
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Thanks, Thomas. I was told while growing up that Dwight D Eisenhower was my grandfather’s second cousin, and my mother has done a lot of genealogy work – so I was very surprised a few months ago to have her tell me that she was unable to use all her work to draw the expected genealogical tree that showed that connection! – so now we don’t know. My father was born in Kansas, though, so there’s probably a connection.
I appreciate your prayers very much – and everyone’s – as I’m feeling much stronger today than the last few – while still feeling clear about reality, not in denial. Will write about it soon – the healing work I feel will bring about another round of clearing….
Thank you. Prayer is good, for all of us, for all the Earth.
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I was in the program too. It’s good you can write about it. I just…the whole thing is so overwhelming and just seems like a dream. It’s very difficult to put into words. I keep thinking if I write about it, I would have to tout it as a sci-fi novel or something. It would be lacking structure because…not just the amnesiac events but the normalcy surrounding my life that makes it seem like it could have never happened. Then there is my brain that keeps pushing it away. When I try to think about certain things, there is physical discomfort in my head. Programmed block I imagine.
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Hey Krystal ~ You write well! I really resonated with your words. The dreaminess, the normalcy that says, “Nah, that couldn’t be real,” but the flashes of memory that explain things, the urgency to push it way.
If I could push it away, I sure would. And I, too, have tried and succeeded, but always just for awhile. But even though it might not be real, it’s comforting, and we sure deserve our comfort when we want to take it.
So, be dreamy, when you have to. And when you want to heal, you’ll find a way. Writing works for me. And I have a friend (email friend) Ann Diamond, who wrote “A Certain Girl” and other books about her experience, as novels. So, you don’t have to tell it as personal history, though I did because I figured people would know, and my name is sort of essential to the story.
And because I’m an activist, I do it. And felt like I had nothing to lose. And that exposing this was one of the best things I could do with my life. So, here I am.
Thank you for writing. I send you my heartfelt prayers for peace and healing. I pray you’ll find something here – or anywhere – that will give you new guidance and courage to live your divine purpose. May we all be free.
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Fellow kindergartner here Jean ! At this stage it seems best for myself to not become too overwhelmed (which at times does not seem to take much at all)….and i am also a super procrastinator…i always say, come on-get going…lets go…sighhh….then it just goes away…sometimes i can be trying to put an entry somewhere and it slips away as i type…and if i get nauseous and/or irritable for no reason when reading or watching someones ideas..dead giveaway i am onto something ….i just have to plug away…plug, plug, plug………….i am finishing your info today, and i can so relate to it…thankyou from a not to linear mind………………….cat
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Hi Cat,
Wow! I so relate to your words too! Those “ideas slipping away”…. But we keep plugging along. I guess our souls know more than our minds, and sometimes we just have to be satisfied with that.
I still need to read more of your work, but I’m excited to have had a big breakthrough yesterday (of course, the dawn following the dark) and have been enjoying simple things like good food, sitting by the wood stove, covering the trees last night and this morning discovered we *had* protected the cherry tree, identifying a new warbler in the yard – all the beautiful stuff of this life.
But before all that (wow, what a great day from yesterday afternoon til this), I found myself dropping things, lots of things, and finally dropping a glass jar of water all over the floor. Of course, I said: Okay, this is a sign; what’s up? And thought: Breakdown? Am I about to have another breakdown? Breakthrough? And suddenly, I realized the answer to a lot of questions I’ve had about how to approach my healing. And I sat down, wrote it down, and have felt great ever since – and I need to write about it. I’ll do it soon.
Thank you for writing. You and everyone give me great hope. Thank you, thank you! Jean
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Hi Jean.
I heard about you from Duncan and Miranda.
Personally speaking i’m researching my cues and triggers on a daily basis. This is more of a struggle at certain times than at others.
Hope this helps.
Blue
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Hi Blue,
Would you mind writing again (here or by email) to tell me how you “research” them? I’m planning to use Carla Emery’s suggestions from “Secret Don’t Tell,” essentially self-hypnotherapy with my partner assisting when I feel the need.
Can you share your approach? We can always use more techniques – though often my spiritual guides (extra-dimensional family) (or my inner Wise One) step in – but obviously not often enough – or else my sense of timing (Let’s get go now!) is a little faster than theirs, but whatever – maybe your technique will help someone else – if you want to share.
Faith and courage to you. Jean
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Hi Jean.
Thanks for your question.
Generally speaking I have a couple of approaches.
Sometimes my research arises out of flashbacks relating to particular events which I then use as a focus point to try to work out how old I might have been depending on commonly acknowledged dates that the event took place in. Other times I will be listening to testimonials by other individuals and this will spark off recollections or memories.
I have thought about using other methods but have discounted them as the memories that I do have are bad enough and can leave me feeling sick for hours and I don’t want to force the issue.
Hope this clarifies.
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Thanks, Blue. Your approaches are included in the suggestions by Carla Emery, in her book, Secret Don’t Tell. Your success encourages me to try them out – coming up. Perhaps I’ll have some success to report soon.
Thanks again.
~ Jean
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You’re not the kindergartener. I can feel it deeply. You’re more of a graduate student than you think. The alter issue is daunting. I write down the good and bad in my daily journal. I also am starting to notice cycles
that repeat. Rage in, rage out and a little living inbetween. It does seem the negative outweighs the positive more times than not. My memory and cognitive functioning has also taken a beating. I’m working on it. I once could recall anything. Sometimes I don’t even remember what I had for lunch. I think the hardest part of healing is knowing how to. I know my emotional body is shattered. I don’t really know how to fix it. Sometimes, I don’t know if we can ever completely heal or if we just have walk around with invisible bandages on.
Thanks for your service to life.
Khris
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Hey Khris,
Thanks for writing. Everyone’s choices of words are so gratifying! I will return to your site soon, but I’ve been in such a funk, and all that posting and videoing and a little responding for a day was super-satisfying, then I needed a rest – couldn’t think of the computer for awhile – but I was off-and-on thinking of all of you (yes!) while cooking and sitting by the fire last night.
What a blessing to have “met” just a few new folks via Duncan and Miranda. (Thanks, you two!)
Negative outweighs the bad? Sometimes. Memory taking a beating – yeah! Man, I can’t tell what I do from day to day without a calendar. My partner says, “Oh, yeah, last Tuesday…,” and I look at him in wonder. Must be nice. And I used to have “everyone’s” phone number memorized in my thirties. Ah well. I, too, often can’t remember what happened earlier in the day, except with this sensation of rummaging around in an old chaotic trunk….
I, too, have felt that my emotional body has been shattered, but I feel that it has renewed itself. Of course, it’s possible I’ve still cordoned off the emotionally-most-damaging stuff, but the rest of me is functioning pretty well emotionally. I do go about life in a pretty happy state when I can forget this stuff. I have a wonderfully loving and supportive relationship. And I have fun in life, and really enjoy my garden and the birds outside the window, and cooking good food. So, I feel my emotional body somehow survived (though it might just still be cordoned off).
Do you get out in nature enough? I do believe the Earth is a living, healing being. I used to lie on the Earth and cry, and get healing from it.
I’ve also recognized that sometimes, when I’m feeling messed with energetically, I can go outside to a particular tree and feel great comfort – enough to clear my head and feel great connection to my Spirit Help.
Yeah, knowing *how* to heal, as you say, is the hardest part. I do believe it is a personal path, though we can share ideas and encouragement. Discovering our own healing MAY be the only way – I don’t know – maybe I just tell myself this because I feel alone in the work and no one has come to give me the answers yet, so I tell myself it’s the way.
In any case, I had a powerful experience yesterday morning after dropping so many things I wondered what was going on, and then I broke a glass jar full of water on the floor, and sat to be quiet for a moment, thinking, “Break-through? Is a break-through coming,” and then I suddenly got a “hit” – four things that, together, felt extremely promising – I’m going to write about it very soon, hopefully today, and maybe post a video too, if I can stay here at the computer.
I want to always remember that most everyone is wearing invisible bandages. So when we speak out, we give others permission to become more conscious of their wounds and begin doing their work.
Thank you for your writing service.
Jean
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