I think I’ve been just a little naive about how far along I’ve been in my healing.
Just because life seemed okay, and I’d had a number of amazing experiences of alters recognizing each other, and I recognized a controller in the community, and recognized other people to avoid, I thought I was on the way, and doing pretty dang good.
That was the thinking of a fractured part of me, who makes her way fairly well in the day-to-day world.
And sure, she does okay (though she has a hard time recognizing people sometimes). She does okay because she doesn’t have a very good memory, so with everything so spotty, things feel alright.
So I could go on the radio and talk about healing (as “a person in healing,” I said), but I didn’t have the understanding last week that I have today: that I have lots more healing to do. What I shared on the radio and outlined in a blog, “Suggestions for Healing from Mind Control,” was a very good foundation, I’d say, to get one strong and supported for the real work ahead.
The realization of the harder work came about when I went through my “anomaly journal” to create a table with dates and categories to tabulate.
From those summaries, I further summarize:
1) The largest amount of mysterious stuff going on feels very negative. (Or do I only write down the negative?)
2) Only a small amount of metaphysical stuff going on feels like it supports my soul. (Or maybe I should make sure that I’m noting this good stuff.)
3) I still forget a lot, and I forget to pray, even though I know it’s a sabotaging alter telling me to wait or quit being so formal or something else dismissive.
4) When I look at it all together, I’m amazed that it makes such a clear pattern – which I failed to see.
What am I to make of this?
Shame for having been in denial? Let’s not waste the energy.
Denial has been an important part of my survival, as it is for many.
So maybe our path is to acknowledge just as much as we can, and no more – a little at a time, and more and more, enough to work on, and not too much to overwhelm.
So, here I am, pushing myself, teaching myself, healing myself, breaking into another realization that there is yet more I must do.
What do I want to do?
Recognize and break my command cues.
I don’t know that I’ve followed any commands in at least a year, maybe two – but every bruise on my body could have entailed a command that I just don’t remember.
I don’t know, but I suspect so. Maybe they’re testing me all the time, and I just don’t notice.
I know I’ll feel more confident about my freedom when I consciously recognize a command cue and don’t obey.
Do we ever know? How, if we don’t recall amnesic events?
Have others woken up to recognize their cues?
Is everyone more aware than I am?
Or are we all struggling on this level?
Or am I the kindergartener here?