Tag Archives: healing from multiple personality

Doing the Work of Healing

And here’s another from Story, perhaps more to the point, reposted from https://wherespiritstops.wordpress.com/2016/06/09/doing-the-work-of-healing/:

One of the most difficult lessons in acceptance lies in the fact that we encounter situations that may not have been our fault (like a car crash) but which have consequences that require us to do painful, difficult work (like physiotherapy for injuries) in order to get through the experience and ultimately overcome it.

Any lack of acceptance of this fact will leave one stranded and stuck in one’s own life journey, asking why me? and protesting that this isn’t fair. Of course, this attitude doesn’t accomplish anything except to prolong and potentially exacerbate the problem at hand.

The work we are required to do in life never ends; in fact, life has a funny way of finding something for us to do if we have too much stagnant time on our hands. But one can easily find ways to avoid doing the work, especially when it comes to healing one’s own soul from past hurts. This is the most important work we can do for ourselves and the potential for growth, renewal, and reward is exhilarating.

Yet all too often we resist. Because it doesn’t seem fair that we should have to do the work, and perhaps because we fear both how hard it will be, and also how much responsibility for our life we will be claiming as our own. After all, if we believe we can’t heal ourselves, then it’s not our own fault that we’re unhappy, right?

No.

It is terrifying to accept full responsibility for our physical and spiritual lives, and many people are devotedly determined to avoid that responsibility. By claiming responsibility for our own lives, we have the potential to create our own present and future selves in ways that, when we were stuck in our pasts, we could not have imagined. Unfortunately, this thrilling truth is overshadowed by our fear of failure, because if we are solely responsible for our own healing and growth, any sense of failure leaves us with nothing to blame but ourselves.

What if I told you – what if I outright promised you – that you have the power to dream yourself into a new state of being simply through faith and doing the work? What if I told you that by surrendering to your own responsibilities you could actuallyguarantee a better, happier, healthier, more fulfilling and infinitely free life for yourself? And, you can’t fail. You’ll make mistakes and life will still throw things at you that you’ll have to figure out how to handle. But if you are doing the work, you can’t actually fail at all. It’s a win-win situation where what you’re really doing is claiming your soul’s purpose and living for it.

The only thing you have to do is surrender to the fact that you are responsible for your own life’s happiness and achievement. After that, you will be comforted to know that there is little else to surrender yourself to.

I am writing to you as a survivor of abuse of every sort, beginning as early as I can possibly remember. As a result of this, I suffered a multitude of symptoms of various mental disorders – PTSD, social anxiety, eating disorders, depression, self-harm, and extreme dissociation. I experienced constant body memories, a type of somatic pain that could be excruciating, as if the past abuse was happening in the present moment. I came to identify as a multiple, meaning that I knew my soul was fractured into countless pieces due to the trauma I experienced. The wounds and consequences of my past gripped me in an iron fist of pain and fear and a complete lack of personal power or hope.

I thought I was broken and couldn’t be fixed. I could not recall a time when I had ever felt whole and sane and strong. But by taking complete responsibility for working my own healing, by definition I also claimed all the power over it and am now achieving more than I could have ever dreamed possible.

In the last six months especially, I have been freed from almost every  debilitating symptom that I used to experience daily. I’ve been doing hard, relentless work, every single day. It’s not an easy road, but it is my road and to give up healing would be to give up my own personal power.

The most instrumental concepts behind my work towards healing can be summed up in two statements: 1) I am not morally responsible for anything that happened during the years of my abuse, due to the young age at which it began and the way I was kept controlled. 2) I am completely responsible (both causally and morally) for my soul’s purpose now.

To me, it is a simple fact that nothing that happened to me throughout my childhood, and even into my adulthood, was my fault. I did not deserve the abuse I suffered. Further, I had no choice and no freedom during that period of my life, being as much a captive as anyone can be. You can’t blame a prisoner of war for things she was forced to do by her captors under threat of death. I did a lot of unpleasant things under force, and those things aren’t my fault either.

Is it fair that these things happened to me, or that the work I have done has been so difficult, even deeply unpleasant? I don’t think in those terms. I might as well ask if it is fair that my heart must continue beating on and on without rest.

The heart beats because it is the work and purpose of the heart’s existence. Likewise, I heal because it is my soul’s purpose to do so, at least in part.

I believe I can achieve a complete transformation of my body, mind and soul — simply because no one else can do it for me.  This is my life’s work, and I accept it with grace and gratitude.

“The Company Men” – great film to be removed soon from Netflix, and a Happy one!

slide-001Recently I read that Netflix will be removing (in a day and a half) 65 movies from its list of streamable films, so I went to see what they were and was surprised to find this excellent film set for removal – perhaps as part of our cultural mind control?  (Mustn’t let Americans see too easily how decisions are made in America?)

The Company Men” is about three upper-level managers (played by Tommy Lee Jones, Chris Cooper, and Ben Affleck) of a company investing in and managing ship yards.  When investment choices require moving parts of the industry overseas, all three men have their lives ruined.

Production quality and acting is excellent, though I did wonder about Affleck throwing anger fits he couldn’t control – hard to believe for one who’s made it up the ladder and should have at least learned some diplomatic strategy – but no.  Aside from that plot problem, the movie is excellent and beautifully portrays how callous decision-making now ruins lives all over the world, even for some of the very wealthy.

The movie is available for streaming only through December 31, tomorrow!  Hope you take the time to enjoy it.

ed3One other movie recently discovered is “Happy” (which is available to play at this link).  Winner of many awards, it investigates what makes people happy – all over the world – and is stunning in the beauty and simplicity which make some people quite content and happy with their lives – with some huge surprises.

One of those surprises relates to the issues we’re all interested in here: abuse and lost memories recovered.  That’s all I’ll say.  It’s good for the heart.  Please watch it.

Love to you all in the New Year,

Jean

Sunday Summary:  “Experiment in Sound Healing”

Song-of-the-New-Earth-5Saturday afternoon, after a mild and satisfying week, I watched a video about Tom Kenyon“Song of the New Earth” – then turned off the computer and sat back to try to “tone” for the first time in years.

didgeridooI’ve had amazing experiences with sound before, most notably when I went to hear Tuvan “throat singers” (shamans from Tuva, Siberia).  I was seated directly in front of one of the didgeridoos, it’s base angled slightly away from me, and throughout the performance I experienced energy knots in my aura explode and dissipate away with the shamans’ sounds.  Subtly, I turned, twisted, and bent to present different aspects of my energy field to the healing vibrations.

At one point in the video, Tom said something like:

“All can learn to use sound to be healers for ourselves and others.”

This, I knew, but I also knew immediately it was for me to embrace now.

When the video ended, I sat, intending to make sounds that simply felt good to me – a welcome change from “simple” meditation, which sometimes is so difficult, trying to keep a half-dozen minds quiet.

Immediately, a tone emerging from me felt like “it,” and I intuitively worked to “send it around” to different places in my head.  On my second toning, I was surprised but pleased, to hear an overtone – the thing that had seemed next to impossible for me, since I’d tried this once many years ago.  But now, my dozens of tonings resulted in two or three overtones every time after the first, and sending sounds to different places in my skull and aura around my head and throat and heart.

A few times, I experienced serious pain in my head and around my eyes, but didn’t think it was necessarily a bad thing.  It lasted a short while, then seemed to “break through” something – an energy block from some old wound, I assumed – and I immediately began exploring new areas, always on the left side of my head.  (The right side always felt open to sound; it’s the left side that’s always where “my stuff” is.)

Eventually, I found I’d not only made three tones at once, but I’d learned to move them around, make them break through blockages, and become more attractively harmonic!

This morning, I practiced toning again with Greg present, and maybe because I felt shy, I didn’t practice long and could only produce a single overtone – but he heard it!  This thing I thought impossible I can do!

stone peopleSomething else in the video excited me immensely!  In “Song for a New Earth,” Tom recounts a story from young adulthood in which he was mystically drawn into another dimension where he encountered strange beings who asked him if he will “sing the song of the new Earth.”

Being whisked into another dimension is a favorite theme of mine, of course – I love it when others share something that helps me understand my own similar “crazy” stuff.  But I was totally unprepared to see an image – drawn by artists, presumably with Tom’s direction – that nearly perfectly depicts the environment of an extra-dimensional encounter I had in 1999.

I was still healing from the shock of remembering, five years earlier, childhood sexual abuse, but I’d not yet understood I’d also been a mind control subject.  I prayed constantly for information that would help me understand my torment, and one day I was offered the opportunity to go into a terrifying place.

red caveI was suddenly at the mouth of a cave that looked nearly identical to the one drawn for Tom Kenyon!  He met an aboriginal man there twirling a fire stick.  In a similar environment,  I spoke with huge bats that seemed to be part of the cave’s dripstone, which in my vision were thicker so that they blocked more of the view inside than this depiction.  One other difference is that the cave felt like the mouth of a living thing.

The bat people emerged from the living columns near the front where they encouraged me to enter and learn everything I wanted to know about what had happened to me – just what I’d been praying for for years.  In wheedling, syrupy tones, they encouraged and terrified me.  18910-050-28F62F41

Inside the cave I imagined – no, felt – a torture chamber or something equally repugnant, from which I might not find it easy or swift to return.  One part of me tested the idea to “be brave” and enter the passage – but I decided to wait for knowledge and turned away.*

Tom-Kenyon-with-Angels-Animation-Drew-ChristieTom, in his vision of the red cave with the aborigine, when asked whether he would sing the Song of the New Earth, answered he didn’t know.  In this life, of course, his answer has been affirmative.

Watching the video, each time he answered that he didn’t know, I answered aloud, excitedly, “Yes!” and “I will!”  Now, I’m curious to learn what it might mean.  

Greg and Jean photoIt may – for me – mean simply more of what Greg and I already do – sing “good” songs – about love, friendship, home, community, nature, and cosmic mysteries, or the song-and-story sets we’re developing, especially my favorite “cosmic” set with songs of extra-dimensional travel and mystery by Bob Dylan, Jackson BrowJacksonBrowne276n, Neil Young, and so many others who write explicitly or hint about  travel and beings in the multi-dimensional cosmos.

gaiajosephinewallOf course, it’s more too.

I’ve long resonated with a vision I once read, of Earth’s humans, cooperative and aggressive, dividing into two dimensions of future Earth, divided according to their vibrations.

Not divided by doctrine, words, which have been used since the beginning of civilization to tell lies, but in vibrations.  Each of us, human, mountain, and star, singing, harmonizing, creating the vibrating river of Song to the New Earth.

~

The rest of my week has been almost uneventful, except for one set of small suspicious wounds where the sun don’t shine and one unhappy personal encounter.  We hosted friends for a small potluck-fire-music party one evening, which I love even though I usually get overwhelmed by the numbers of people and then unsure about myself in bouts, even among friends if there are a few, and more overwhelmed if there are a dozen.  Worse, a stranger arrived with a friend I thought knew better and set off my alarms, distracting me off and on for the entirety of the party.  Despite that, we’re feeling blessed and grateful for the gathering in our home!

I’ve decided to tell guests more clearly not to bring others.  (Help?)

~

* I believe I’ve received enough of that information – in bits and pieces – over the years and, even so, it has often been nearly too much to handle.  Everyone in healing:  We really do need to be careful what we pray for, qualify our prayers [“Thy will be done”], and not push the river.  Psychotic break-downs and suicide can result.  Trust your Helping Spirit Family to guide and pace you in uncovering repressed information.