Doubting Myself Again

Last night I woke up with a very strong feeling almost like a bright “ah ha!” and my barely-awake mind scrambled to pull from my dreaming mind what it was about.  I was disappointed by my mental conclusion, but accepted it:  I had to quit singing.

I still don’t recall the content of the dream, only the energy and my conclusion.  I concluded that I had to quit singing because I’m still too wounded to overcome all the things that a singer needs to quickly overcome when onstage, or if I’m not “too wounded,” then I’ve proven to myself that, in order to heal, it just will take more time than I’ve had in the recent five years and that I’m likely to have in the foreseeable future.  So I say what I often say at times of disappointment:  “Oh well… next life.”

This singing habit takes a tremendous amount of time, especially relative to the outcome.  And with all the other inspirations in my life, I usually feel terribly overwhelmed.  My desk is piled with things unfinished:  wills and medical directives, editing for the radio show, website updates, essays, my own videos regarding mind control and healing, bills, favors promised to friends, garden ideas, home renovation ideas, home maintenance needs, and more.  If I quit singing (which seems to take about half the week), I could get things done!  Maybe I could even make more of a living!

And the wasted time of these past five years begs the question:  What was the meaning of all those “miracles” that kept leading me forward when my mind told me this really felt like a long shot and was so unnecessary (given that I had so much else to do)?  Were those miracles really worked by tricksters posing as angels, egging me on to waste my time and spend my psychic energy embarrassing myself?

I thought I’d learned years ago that everything appearing angelic certainly is not.  I guess I’ve just had that lesson reinforced….

And then this morning, I’m tempted again to believe in signs:  One of the first links I saw on my computer this morning is for online singing instruction that promises to “free” a person’s voice, even for those who’ve been “wounded.”  Interesting!  And there’s a Money-back guarantee!  What do I believe??????

Well, going back to the moment in the night when I thought I had to quit and was glad that I’d have time to do what’s really important….  I know that my conclusion was a mental conclusion based on a dream I can’t recall.  Is it possible that the dream itself might have had instead a conclusion that something serious needs to change?  And not specifically that I had to quit singing?  Maybe the change is that I need to get lessons?  (And so I went to the website and navigated to the order page, which is open right now beside this text page, its big orange button commanding me “Order Now.”)

But then I’ll only be adding to my life, not freeing up my time, not creating more time to write and expose mind control.  Am I supposed to do that work?  I think I am, but occasionally doubt it, mostly because no one wants to hear it, and most people think it’s not healthy to talk about it so much.  Sometimes I think the same.  So what is best for my mental health?  Or best for my dharma – doing what I’m here on Earth to do?

Work to expose mind control?  Or sing as if we all should just be happy?

3 thoughts on “Doubting Myself Again

  1. jean777eisenhower

    Totally agree with you Leesa, and so repeatedly I’ve tried to “put this away.” But the solution is not that simple. To be silent is not only extremely difficult but seems to be to the controllers’ benefit as well as their command, and is contrary to my calling as a writer, activist, and advocate for others.

    So I try to balance my life between two type of activities: Write and videotape when the inspirations come (maybe only a few times a year) and then put them away, to sing and work in the garden and keep myself strong.

  2. Leesa Haire

    Hi Jean Ann!  I woke up thinking about you.  Here it is…singing, when done from the heart is inspired–in spirit.  One of the closest ways to connect with who you really are.  Working on outing the mind control people…well, while shedding light on things can help dissipate, it can also keep the person doing that light-shedding in the place that had so much control in the first place…focused on it all.  Just some thoughts.   Love, Leesa Haire


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