First journaling in a while.  Feel like I need to scream.  Been worrying about how to read the signs (since I sometimes avoid prayer and contemplation – some programming that hits sometimes) especially when things go wrong like they have today.

I realize:  All the “figuring” is a very basic part of my mind control; I need, instead, to remember during hard times to listen to the quiet things, use my intuition.  And I need to rout out the programming that tells me I don’t have time for prayer and contemplation.

AND NOW I GET IT:  “Rise and shine!  Up and at ‘em!  Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed!” – the waking I received from my mother nearly every morning of my life, the same three always-cheerful commands, every day, one after the other – was a major part of my programming – delivered by my handler-mom – of course, programmed herself.

telling me:  Take no time for reflection, no time for yourself.

NO.

NO.

NO.

I will not do that anymore.  Rise and shine.  Up and at ’em.  Bright-eyed and Bushy-Tailed.  It never occurred to me that it was part of my programming, but I think now that it was.  Work.  Work.  Work.

My mother’s father was killed when she was eight, during the Great Depression.  Her parents were working as itinerant farm worker and construction worker.  Now a penniless widow, her mother leased an ice cream sidewalk store, became famous for her sandwiches on fresh homemade bread, and parlayed it all into a successful restaurant and bakery with dining room, patio, walk-up window, and conference rooms.  She catered to a group of bankers and developers, one of whom treated her like a mind control slave.  While she worked to build the business, my mother and her sister spent a lot of time with their Mormon uncles.

I remember him coming to walk with her every day at a prescribed time.  My mother was impressed about this, as I heard her speak of it a couple of times.  Each day, my grandmother sat in view of the front door when he was due and rose immediately, cutting off conversation when he appeared.  “And she never has told anyone what he says to her,” my mother remarked, as if this was impressive and not disturbing.  Once, we walked with her to meet him, but he said little or nothing to us and walked straight away with my grandmother.

The programming:  Give yourself no time for contemplation.  We will give you precepts and our logic derived from them, and teach you how to prioritize and organize.

I think I’m doing better than most Americans because I don’t buy their consumerism, politics, or religion, but I’m still programmed to be productive and not waste time – which sounds like a good thing, but robs us of contemplation.

That’s why I’ve felt like screaming.  Seven stressors hit in the last two weeks, and I kept my cool and performed on Sunday.  Monday, I was tired, but I was so bothered by the desk piled high and our desire to post a recording that I forced myself ahead and had dreams all night long about my most un-fun subject:  aliens.  All night long.  That’s a first.  Then today, I worked hard on my home refinancing, and at the end of the day I was ready to scream.  Actually, I had a response I’ve had a few times in my life, when anxiety is very high:  like screaming, throwing up, and falling-down all at once.

But it’s been good, because a see a new aspect of the Big Lie now:  Productivity.  I think I was put into a number of programs, one of which was to be highly productive and manage complicated tasks.  It’s been useful.  But it has also made me so tightly focused when I work it’s hard to be social, as I need to switch parts, which is doable, but sometimes slow and awkward.  I feel like a fancy experimental race car with a phenomenal engine and a tricky transmission.

But I’m healing that transmission, little by little.  It’s been a bumpy road with set-backs when I’ve felt worse rather than better, but mostly I know I’m better, despite days like today.  Today was a hard lesson day.  I learned the consequence of taking on too much.  Again.

I should never push that hard, unless it’s really important.  I have to take care of my heart and whole health.  So I need to make more than a commitment.

I need to change things in my environment to support my commitment, so that I have constant reinforcement to evolve, change, or rout out the programming and habit of my lifetime.

From now on, each morning I will give myself time in bed to record my dreams and thoughts, and decide what’s most important.  I’ll take time to listen for any alters’ opinions, so no one’s left out and everyone’s needs are met.  (That way, no one needs to act out to get attention, or have a heart attack, or get sick or depressed.)  We’ll find our center, cooperate better, and not get confused so readily.

Morning will be sacred time, for being still.  Productivity will just have to wait.

When I rise, I’ll walk slowly to heat my turmeric tea.  I’ll sit in the most comfortable place in the house.

I’ll make myself a new journal with nice, functional paper (not these one-side-already-used recycled sheets others would throw away, but something that will honor my words) inside a beautiful, meaningful cover.  I’ll keep a nice bed shawl nearby and pillow for my neck.

Ah…. 

The scream has gone.

I’ll return again to listening to my Wise Self and break another bit of programming.  Back to Center.

Blessings on You All ~