Last week was fun. We recorded some pretty decent renditions of three Woody Guthrie songs and one of our friend’s songs; I had time to trim or edit them and upload them to Youtube. I felt free and good enough to exclaim about it – and my gratitude.
(Sometimes I am reminded of the tribes who “superstitiously” never say a nice thing about a child because they believe there are spirits who will then try to reduce the child’s attribute. Sometimes when I say how good things are, I remember the last time I said that and thought I should have kept it to myself.)
This week has been hard. After days of back pain, on Tuesday I had to have a “rib end” reconnected! Yesterday, I yawned and suddenly was gripped with the same pain – lasting all day.
At the end of the day, when I’d neurotically completed all the things I thought were more important than taking care of my pain, I meditated, relaxed and talked to my body – for no immediate result. So I went to sleep, with a prayer and instruction to my body to return to where it knows it’s supposed to be. I woke with no pain. Yeah!
Nevertheless, I followed my partner’s advice, and got more x-rays today. They only showed what I already knew: I have osteopenia, arthritis, bone spurs, and degenerating disks – and occasionally a disk slips – way too easily, in my estimation. I accepted a prescription for high-grade, generic Ibuprophen, and on the way home bought a heating/vibrating thing molded to fit around the neck. I drove home feeling fragile and sad.
I’ve known that sitting at a desk is bad for bone density. I thought my diet heavy with organic greens – and my attitude and lifetime of exercise – would protect me.
My sense of fragility turned to nauseous anxiety and a need to cry. As I was about to climb onto the bed in a fetal position, a voice said, No.
Instead, I faced north, into a concrete wall, not toward my alter on the west. I wondered why, and knew immediately that, just as I’d never really used my alter like an alter (just a place to keep photos of loved ones and spirit friends and miscellaneous iconography), I needn’t focus there now; this was about focusing inward. Since I didn’t like the energy of the concrete wall, I turned toward the window on the east.
Suddenly I felt a familiar stream of energy sitting on my aura, feeling pretty good, but I stopped it (for the first time) – consciously and not ambivalently – to state to myself that I didn’t know if this was for my good or not, and I wasn’t letting it in until I knew. (My intention to hold off has been overridden in the past when I wasn’t assertive enough.)
After a split-second, silent call to spiritual help (I guess for the purpose of identifying myself with my powerful cosmic tribe), I got the message to simply “go inside,” find the energy source of who I am, and amplify it; if the beam wasn’t harmonious, it would be repelled.
I didn’t need any rational process of discernment to decide what to “do.” There was no perceiving, discernment, or doing – nothing to do, but amplify who I am.
So, I turned my attention fully to my infinite self “inside.”
For a second or two, I tried to put words on my thoughts or feelings – as if my rational mind needed to identify who I was – but I dismissed that rational effort quickly and went into another state in which I felt very calm and powerful inside – suddenly realizing that I felt like a colleague of my powerful helpers on the other realms.
Then, the energy beam that had seemed to be resting on my aura (not yet pulsing through my spine, as I realized it was the type that has done that before), was now pulsing outside and away from my aura, as if pushed back by my energy. Within seconds the pulsing had faded and retreated, while I sat on my heels and felt my own calm energy filling me, unaffected by whatever that had been.
Then my cat jumped on my lap, purring mightily, and I found myself writing this essay in my head.
Are these spiritual attacks I’m learning in the eleventh hour how to deal with?
Or is my own Help prodding me with pain and mysterious beams to wake up and begin more seriously to “study energy,” as I exhorted us all to do last week?
Whichever, the answer is the same: Quit being such a slave to worldly priorities; instead, give yourself time to work with the energies in your body! Get to know them. Open to learning how healing happens and whatever else can be learned in this state.
Regardless of pain or the fun of singing, I must find a way to overcome my aversion (irrational and counter to my spiritual longings, therefore I assume is programmed) so that I can experience, consciously and more often, my own energy nature and accelerate my learning.
I’ve craved this for decades and finally am willing to answer the question of why I so consistently resist: I am almost certainly programmed against it.
So what do I do about that?
Since everyone has a different psychology (though we programmees might have identical programming), and because it’s naive and dangerous to broadcast our spiritual warfare strategies (though I’ve dumbly done it), I won’t describe my approach. I’ll let you know how it goes though.
Ideas (for myself and others) accepted.
Be awake and aware.
Now I’m going to take my partner’s other advice: I’m going to take the rest of the afternoon off.
Love, power, and awareness to you ~