1. When a friend sent me an email in June 2002 with a few links and a sentence that read, “I think this might explain our stuff,“ I opened the first one to read a headline that revolted me.

My brain rejected the idea of “mind control,“ but as I read the first sentence, I felt something I had never felt before, but was absolutely real: a chorus of small children inside me, physically panicking. Some were whimpering, others hyperventilating, stifling cries, trying to hide, all a chorus of panic, with a teen girl’s voice suddenly heard trying to comfort and calm them.

Then an adult voice spoke to me, “It’s okay, it’s good for you to know. Now you can begin to heal.“

My mind was blown, having never experienced anything like that – except once when I’d felt myself spread out in three parts, with two of them on either side explaining it was good for me to know I was multiple, and now they were leaving, not needed anymore. I had begged them to stay and explain it all to me, but they had said it would be too long a process, and I didn’t yet have the foundation to understand.

Being multiple was a bad enough realization, though I had gone to the medical library and learned it was not insanity, just a different way for a brain to function, and sometimes it came with great intelligence and other skills, which I knew I had. But this realization of mind control seemed to have nothing good about it, only horror and fear of how I could not control what I might do.

I would spend the next year and a half thinking every day that it would be better to die. I did not believe in suicide, but I reconsidered the idea every day.

2. Researchers often associate mind control with Satanism, and Satanists are given religious freedom in the US, including in the Military. (Sargeant Michael Aquino is a well-known, out-of-the-closet, high-ranking Satanist.) And mind control is practiced widely in the military under the direction of the Central Intelligence Agency.

When I was dabbling in astrology, I discovered that the numerology (practiced by Satanists) of my birthday (July 7, 1952) can be “reduced” to 7-7-7 (or 7-7-8). In addition, I was born on a full moon; on a Monday (Moonday); in the middle of Cancer, also called Moonchild, ruled by the Moon.

Not only was I born on a day that contained a full moon, but I was born within 2/1000ths of a degree of the Full Moon opposition. Three moons and three sevens – and Satanists love days like this, I learned. So I might have been selected because of my birthdate and time.

It was also the same day Dwight D. Eisenhower’s nomination to the Republican Presidential ticket was announced.

3. My father was in the Navy, in Carrier Aircraft Service Unit 33 (also a favorite satanic number), which has a conspiracy site associated with it, in which relatives of men in that CASU note that the unit has details that do not correspond with any other records of ports, ships, or dates, while every other CASU detail corresponds perfectly. Most suspect that CASU was a secret project subjecting those sailors to some sort of experiments – and I suspect mind control. My father never wanted to talk about his time in the service.

4. My father‘s father was a 33rd° Freemason. He moved the family from Schell city, Missouri, to Hollywood, California, when my father was a child. There my grandfather became veterinarian to the stars and to the famous German Shepherd TV hero, Rin Tin Tin. Freemasons and Hollywood are both associated with mind control.

5. My father‘s mother wanted her youngest son, my father, to be a child movie star, “like little Jackie Coogan,” so she signed him up with an agent, and my father was sent on the road at age 7 for six months, after which my father stuttered for the next two years. He must have been traumatized to be away from his family at that young age, and I can’t help but wonder if he was also sexually abused, as is common in Hollywood child actor histories. When I was 9 or 10, he needed to have surgery on his anus, which I recall him telling my mother was bleeding profusely.

6. My mother‘s mother was a migrant farm worker, widowed during the Great Depression when my mother was eight and my aunt was nine. She was also an excellent baker, and after quitting migrant work and renting a sidewalk stand to sell sandwiches made with her homemade bread, she was fortuitously taken under the wing of some wealthy businessmen who put her in charge of a new restaurant with conference rooms, outdoor patio, and a walk-up bakery window. Every day, one of those men came to visit my grandmother at lunch – when most restauranteurs would naturally be managing their busiest time – but she was obedient to his request. She sat at one booth facing the door, playing gin rummy if we were visiting, and when she saw him in the doorway, she stopped mid-sentence, laid down her cards, and walked directly toward him, and they disappeared down the sidewalk. One time when we visited, my mother wanted to introduce herself and me to him, so she hurriedly pulled me out of the booth and after her as she hurried to interrupt them for an introduction. I’ve always remembered the disbelieving hostility in the man’s face, his refusal to engage, and him turning and walking away with my grandmother at his side.

Back at the booth, my mother stared at the doorway and mused as if she thought it were the most wonderful thing that my grandmother had this mysterious relationship with this wealthy man. She said, “She never says what they talk about.”

Since mind control has been recorded in European history back to the 17th century, I suspect my grandmother may have been an early mind control subject as well – as her restaurant became the gathering place for the “movers and shakers” in Van Nuys for 25 years.

It seems my mother had inadvertently interfered with her mother‘s daily programming. And my grandmother was not allowed to discuss anything about it.

7. Mormons, military, Freemasons, and Hollywood – all have been associated with mind control, and all are in my family lineage.

8. When I was born, my parents were living in married student housing at UC Davis, where my father was finishing his degree in Veterinary Medicine. That year, UC Davis launched the Human Ecology Project, which researchers now associate with CIA mind control.

9. The largest religious denomination in the CIA, by far, are the Mormons. Stuart Udall, Secretary of the interior under Eisenhower, who was at my parents’ Christmas party when I was eight years old, was a Mormon. It’s difficult to explain why he was at our house – except that the party, and our new custom home, both occurred just a few months after my two years of near amnesia, at the same approximate age as other mind control subjects report their two years of amnesia, either proceeded by or followed by a nice new custom home.

These two years are when the CIA takes children (who have been prepared by their parents) and creates the multiple personalities that will be controlled for the rest of their lives.

My mother was also a Mormon, but a “jack Mormon,” one who rarely goes to church. I was occasionally sent or taken to church, which I hated, so, I suspect, I was made accessible to them for program updates. I have disturbing memories of amnesia and hating being there at that church.

10. While I can tell dozens of stories of my life up through kindergarten, I have only a few weird memories of first and second grade, and then my memory comes back fully in third grade.

First, age 6, I remember being thrilled to take a train trip alone with my mother, leaving our father behind to take care of my three younger siblings, the youngest only about 8 months old. I knew this was strange, this image of my dad at the table with my three siblings when we said goodbye, and so I always remembered it, but I was thrilled to feel special, to travel alone with my mother.

My mother said we were going to see her aunt in Albuquerque, but I have no memory of that. I do have a memory of being in something I now recognize as a large military airplane hanger. I was sitting in a party dress on a chair in front of a military man in tan khaki behind a desk. Another military man came past me from behind on my left to talk to the man behind the desk. The man walking, who was shaped like a pear, gave me a quick glance, then said to the man at the desk, “Pretty one,” nodding toward me. Next thing I recall is being in the backseat of a car, being brought home by four men in uniforms and very short haircuts in a sedan with a two-tone interior they called “aquamarine.“ They gave me no attention, so I just stared at the backs of the two heads in front of me, ignored the men on either side of me, and comforted myself with a toy on my lap, a pressed-metal beagle, painted black, white and brown, with a crank on the side that I could turn to make it plink out “How Much is That Doggy in the Window?“ I remember thinking how glad I was for this toy, as if without it I would be in a panic. Suddenly, we parked on the street in front of our house. The man on my right slid out and motioned for me to get out, which I did awkwardly, holding my dog. Then he gestured toward my front door, and I marveled at the strangeness of approaching from the front instead of entering the side door from the driveway as usual. I climbed up on the curb, across the cut lawn on the easement, then onto the sidewalk, up the walkway and finally to the front door. No excitement or happiness, just what was.

Inside, my mother took the dog from me, and the next day she would tell me I had never had a toy dog and that I must have imagined it. I knew she was lying.

I have no other memories of first grade, and I’m only guessing that these belong to first grade and not to second grade.

The next summer, when I was seven, the whole family went to visit our grandmother Mimi and our aunt Doris, who lived together in Van Nuys, California. Then one day my mother announced to us kids that I was going to visit longer with Mimi and Doris, and the rest of the family would come get me later. I asked why, and got no answer that I recall.

I didn’t mind, as I liked my grandmother and aunt. But today it makes no sense because they were both single working women, my aunt was a single mother, they worked full-time at Mimi’s restaurant, and this – leaving anyone alone there – was nothing we had ever done or would ever do again.

I went to the restaurant with them for a day or a few, where my aunt taught me how to use the cash register and make change. I stood on a stool and enjoyed the compliments I got from the customers who seemed amazed I could make change at my age.

I have only one memory of second grade (or first), and that is of standing in front of an easel with an apron on and four pots of paint: blue, green, red (or yellow?), and black. Everyone else in the room seemed to be painting excitedly, but I just stood and looked at my blank paper.

A woman’s voice nearby commanded me to “Paint.“ I answered that I didn’t know what to paint. “Paint a tree,” she responded. I dipped my paintbrush in black and drew a black tree on black earth with black wind streaming by with black leaves in the wind. I put down my brush and remember thinking, “There. A tree.”

Later, I remember waking up at home, thrilled to be back where things were familiar, then running to find my mother to tell her, “I’m awake! And I’ve been asleep for a long, long time!” She shared none of my enthusiasm, and I watched the side of her head as she told me dismissively, “No you just slept one night. It only felt long.”

11. My father worked very long hours, sometimes 70 hours a week, he said. But then he treated himself and us to three vacations a year, including very long summer vacations. I always thought those summer vacations were two weeks long, but my brother now tells me they were four weeks long! And sometimes I had amnesic events.

We often traveled with or met up with other families, of which I was one of the oldest children, so I was not being mistaken when one of the other mothers referred to my directing the other children in an abbreviated performance of the Wizard of Oz. I had directed plays before with neighborhood kids, but I had absolutely no memory of directing that play when I was a teenager.

I also have no memory of going to the Chiricahua Mountains, which my siblings talked about as one of our very best times, but I could never remember it at all. These “memory problems” used to seriously disturb me, because it wasn’t a common occurrence, something I had come to expect, but the strangest sort of surprise that completely confounded me.

And now I’ve learned that the mind controllers need to check in with their subjects and spend extensive time with them, refining their programming, which I now theorize was occasionally done on family vacations.

12. After high school graduation, I secretly looked forward to finding friends involved in the hippie movement. I had always had a hard time making friends, and was raped that summer, so I related to those people who seemed willing to break social norms.

So I was confused when the daughter of one of my mother‘s distant acquaintances called me repeatedly, wanting to tell me about “the Greek system“ and her sorority house. I was polite until her third call when I decided she deserved to know that I did not consider myself “their type.“ To my surprise, she answered, “What type do you think we are?“ There was a long pause where I searched for words that were not insulting (as I’d been trained), and finally I decided she deserved the truth since she kept bothering me, and I responded, “Plastic” (a late 60’s insult). Immediately she replied, “Don’t you think you’re judging us without knowing us?“ That was a phrase I’d only heard attributed to hippies! So she was calling me on my own barely adopted ethos! She was calling me a fraud, and I had to prove I was more open-minded than that. So I agreed begrudgingly to attend sorority Rush, not wanting to do anything except prove I was open minded.

Suddenly, one of my friends from fourth grade became my best friend, sharing constantly with me her intense desire to get into this same sorority, her anxiety that she might not, and all the reasons why it was the most important thing in her life.

Elsewhere, I have written a very long story explaining the intense gaslighting I got that year to “pledge,” and then join at the end of the year – as well as to enter two local run-ups to the national Miss America Pageant – which I had always thought were terribly embarrassing, and I continued to think so then. But my childhood had given me very little experience in making my own decisions, so I was easy to manipulate to do things I did not want to do.

At the very end of the year, after making my coerced vows, I was secretly told that I had been recommended by the state president, the highest recommendation one could get. I was shocked and hurt.

I had thought all of their overtures toward me had seemed pretended, not real friendship, but I have been told by my friend that I just didn’t know what real friendship was. And now it had been made perfectly clear that my intuitions had been correct, and I had accepted their pretenses as truth. I felt humiliated, tricked, lied to, angry, and ashamed for not having acted on my own intuitions instead of following everyone else’s judgments.

That summer, I would break my vows (despite their warnings of how doing so would be “really, really, really, really, really, really, really bad”), and early the next year I would return my Miss U of A crown (I’d been such a bad, uncaring representative anyway, they’d quit calling me for any publicity events), drop out of school, throw away all my make-up and hair products, and “run away,“ hitchhiking across the United States with the first boy-man who thought it was a good idea. And things did get really, really, really, really, really, really, really bad.

13. Between marriage to that boy-man and having children, my husband and I woke up one morning to find our wooden bed frame broken, side rails disconnected from the corner posts, the slats in disarray, and no memory of how it had gotten that way while we “slept.”

My husband had been born on a Navy base (Groton, Connecticut, also associated with mind control), and his mother had been committed twice to a mental hospital – another circumstance common to mind control subjects, so his parents may also both have been in the program, along with him.

In the shower that morning, I discovered that my vagina was extremely painful, swollen, and in a mirror, I could see that the skin had been pulled apart in a manner I could only describe as looking like patterns on a giraffe, which I reported to my mother when I called her to ask what it could mean, but she had no theory.

I understand now this is a typical result of gang rape, but I could not consider that possibility then. Today, I wonder whether some mind controllers had made both of us amnesic for a gang rape, and in the process, broke the bed.

14. In therapy in my 30s, I tried to imagine the stream of my life, but all I saw was something like disconnected, cut-up pieces of yarn, scattered, no history with any coherence, causing me to wonder what was wrong with me. (This is actually more pertinent to Multiple Personality/Dissociation, but it is also a major feature of Mind Control.)

15. After I divorced my first husband, I met a man in a bar and immediately recognized him as someone I was supposed to meet, but I could not remember why. After we became a couple, I asked him a few times why did we both think we were supposed to meet, but he seemed to not want to discuss it. I believe now that he is another mind control subject, and we were amnestically programmed to meet and fall in love.

16. When we both became involved with the radical activist group, Earth First, I hadn’t wanted to spend much time with it because I was a single mother, I had just launched a business, and I didn’t want to divide my time further. But my partner badgered me constantly with intense encouragement, promising to make up for my financial losses (which he never did), so I relented and gave part-time pro bono media work to the group for four years. Later, certain members of the group would accuse me of being a spy, “badjacketing” me, isolating me. And many years later, after my 2002 introduction to mind control, I would realize that was absolutely a possibility.

17. When that marriage ended, and I moved to Colorado Springs to be with my high school crush from 25 years earlier, we experienced someone trying to break into our home in the middle of the night.

Suddenly, another personality came to the fore. I felt shrunken to the right side of my frontal lobe, witnessing somebody else take over the rest of my body. She told my boyfriend to call 911 while she grabbed a large knife, then positioned herself in front of the door, bouncing on her toes while testing the balance of the knife in her hand, and thinking to herself how happy she was to have this chance to kill someone, as it had been a long time. She had absolute confidence in what she was doing as she listened to him throw himself against the door and imagined different responses if he crashed through in one direction or another, with one physique or another, all while “I“ was marveling at her.

18. When I lived in Silver City, I attended an art gallery opening, and as I was leaving, needing to return my wine glass to the table, a new acquaintance and a stranger were conversing in my pathway. So as I walked toward them, intending to turn sideways and slip through, instead I again retreated to the right side of my frontal lobe while I witnessed some part of me do a provocative walk toward them – an exaggerated sexy walk I have not been able to imitate the few times I tried – years after I grieved the humiliation of it.

I wanted very badly to regain control of my body and stop it, but I could not. The new acquaintance looked at me in shock, and there was nothing I could do. I went home and cried that evening, and could do little but weep the next day – and think about ending things.

19. When I was a nomad living in my RV, I volunteered at a UFO conference and was requested for an emergency to work at a table handling money and tickets. I didn’t want to do that, so I chose the safest method of immediately handing every bit of money to a paid employee beside me after each sale. At the very end, I felt some alter take over my body again, take two or three tickets, then turn and slip them into a pocket of my backpack behind me, then turn back around before I regained control.

It only took 10 seconds, but the whole time I was horrified, but could not stop it. I cried all afternoon and evening until 2 AM, when I wrote an email to my supervisor to please meet me in the morning, when I would tell her what had happened. Interestingly, and fortunately, I had told her in my application that I was a mind control subject “in healing.”

And I’ve always thought it was good policy to warn people, even though others suggest it isn’t good for making friends. I know. But I want others to have fair warning in the event they notice something strange in my behavior. And hopefully they’ll tell me, so I might have a chance to learn more about myself.

20. After that, I remembered two other earlier events in which some altar in me took over my body when a camera came out. She posed my body in a manner I thought stupid and even cheesy cliché, but I could not regain control of my body to face the camera more naturally. One time was for a newsletter article about strawbale construction. The other was for a video documentary about the “Judi Bari versus FBI” trial. Broke my heart again, to feel myself taken over, and scared me.

21. Nearing the end of my media work for that trial, we had a very important media release to go out, for which we had set the fax machine to send it at a particular time for maximum impact. But the next morning, it was discovered that the fax machine had been unplugged. As soon as I was told about it, I had a dreadful feeling like a body memory of my right shoulder dragging under the fax machine table while I imagined someone reaching for the plug. 

22. A friend from high school, whom I now believe is also a mind control subject, published a book in which his female lead character is named Jean Ann (my name) and is an amnesic Mormon assassin.

There’s probably more. These are just off the top of my head. I’ll add more as I remember them or have time to go through my database.