Most days, I wake up feeling fine, like this. And I go about my day, being productive, visiting with friends, taking care of the house and the garden, writing, and thinking, “I could get a job.”
Some days, though, I wake up feeling like Hell, like last week when I could only assume “They” had taken me in the night for some use I can only guess at and either drugged or electroshocked me to assure my amnesia – and, no, I don’t drink alcohol anymore, so this is no hangover that I created.
Unfortunately this was a day that I’d promised to work with a friend on a natural plaster sculpture I was helping her create. I called to tell her I felt like hell and took the picture so she’d know I was serious.
I usually feel poisoned for at least a day after something like this, though the longest was thirteen days.
During these events, I can hardly keep myself fed much less do anything else – and these events usually happen at least twice a month, and they’ve been getting more and more frequent in the last five years.
And now that I’ve kicked out my housemate/handler (three months ago), I have no one to cook for me when I’m like this, and my finances don’t even come close to being enough for me to keep my house.
“donut bruise” – one of two in two weeks
Friends and family encourage me that I can work, but my last semester teaching English at the university, I had a hard time like this once and went to class with a What-the-Hell attitude and told my students I was a mind control subject, and sometimes they fuck with me like this!
Freaked out the kids, and I decided I didn’t trust myself to teach anymore. And I haven’t – though I love teaching, and when I’m well, I know I’m a good teacher.
I’ve been praying and brainstorming how I can make a living when I have no idea when these events will happen to me – this week? next week?
In any case, I work as fast as I can when I feel well, because I never know when I’ll be hit and unable, for a day or days, to shop, cook, water, take care of finances, anything. My finances seem as though they’ll hit the wall very soon, so I’m paying for utilities and everything now with credit cards.
mystery burn on back of neck
And no one wants to acknowledge it – especially not family.
Very lonely.
Very cruel, and very ignorant, I think.
American ignorance: This sort of thing does NOT happen in America – even though it’s very well documented, it just doesn’t. So buck up.
Okay, I’m getting back to productive work now, and I’ll probably be cheerful and friendly at the coop today, or whenever I next go out. [Happy-face Smile!]
After all, it is a beautiful spring day.
The spring’s first roses are at the front gate, and the salvia is blooming at the front door.
