Just went to the doctor yesterday for blood tests and EKG.  (I don’t follow their prescriptions, but I appreciate their tests.)

My blood work was essentially normal, but my heart is not functioning properly.  I have “stage 1” something (I’ll take better notes when I talk again with her next) – the first chamber of my heart is not beating exactly when it should in relation to the other chambers – not a terrible thing, as she says, many people live long lives with this condition.  It’s just not as effective at circulating blood, so I get tired.

I’ve been having serious heart issues for at least 17 years.  I assume it’s from the mind control electroshocks used to create amnesia and the Tasering (essentially portable electroshock) I’ve obviously been treated to since the late 80s (first time I’m conscious of was in jail after a group act of civil disobedience outside Durango in 1992 – which resulted in amnesia for most of an afternoon, evening, night and next morning), and at least twice in more recent years that left burn marks.

Taser burn (second degree burn with skin removed) delivered November 29, 2010, photographed 2 days later.

After this burn (pictured), they seem to have got their settings corrected for my size, as the next one left only two small dots on my arm which I found after waking totally exhausted, knowing “something happened again.”

My heart isn’t beating often enough (just 61 beats per minute) to give me energy for normal activities.  I’m very tired all the time, can’t do the same exercises I used to be able to do at the gym.  And I can’t stand up from squatting down to feed the chickens without holding onto something to pull myself up.  This is very new.  I’ve always been energetic and strong.

In the last 6 months I’ve written in my journals 103 times (out of 189 days) that I was utterly exhausted 52 days (and there may have been days I was too exhausted to write about it).  And I mean debilitatingly exhausted, with comments like:

“Wasted.  Wondering: serious disease?”

“Feel bad with weird symptoms.”

“Deep despair of life, lots of sleep.”

“Wrote bye to all, but lived.”

“Weak, nausea, ringing in ears.”

“Regretting commitments of next weekends.” (and cancelled some)

“No energy for anything.”

“If Greg wasn’t cooking, I wouldn’t eat.”

“Woke with weird bruise and had peed in bed.”

“Tired, depressed, headache.”  (I very rarely get headaches.)

“Can’t sleep, feeling dread.”

“Jaw pain and heart tension.”  (twice)

“Suicidal.”  (four times)

“Could barely walk!  Confused.  Can’t remember last two days!  Greg had to help me remember.”

“Scoop mark on same finger.”

“Woke tired with pee in bed again.”

“Long night, exhausted, weird, bad, crust hanging from my eyes.  Hell.”

And the bruises I’ve photographed!