Remember that old saying, “Gotta feel to heal”?
I felt so much yesterday, I could barely see. It hurt to walk. I wanted to die.
Today, I feel better and understand quite a few things.
I had just extracted numbers from my journal of the last 6 months and was not surprised to see the huge number of days indicating I was truly exhausted, around half the time, talking about ending my life five times, with bruises
small bruises on my thighs are the most common – making me think of hypodermic bruises (though I usually don’t bruise from shots. What are they? Taser marks?
and marks left on my body, and even more details I’d forgotten about (many of which I wrote about in my last blog). It was a lot like the time I summarized 18 months and had a melt-down realizing what all had happened.
So I wasn’t surprised to feel terrible. It seemed a natural response to my life.
But the pain had a good result: I see some important things.
First, I realize I need to not let 6 months go by without helping myself be aware and dealing with stuff!
What was I thinking? I think I know: Trying to stay positive, focused on the Light (ignoring the Dark), in order to stay more easily “functional” in this crazy, numbing world.
Yeah, but that’s not very smart, as I’ve coached others before: Survival requires we be aware of our environment!
(We teach what we need to learn, right? So here I am.)
Second thing learned: To accomplish the goal of being aware, I plan to take one day each week to summarize my journal of the previous seven days (I can handle that), to recognize what are the energies swirling around in my life.
Have I ignored some lie (as Pamela Meyer challenges us not to do in the wonderful video I linked to in this blog)? And in ignoring a lie, has it caused me to lose my strength?
Where are creative juices flowing, or where might they flow? What do I need? I’ll make Sunday my day for reviewing my week, since the culture makes that day more available.
Of course, there’s a daily aspect too and I will always do that, but it’s also important to go retrospective now and then for week’s view, or longer view.
I hope and pray Power and Love are flowing in you also today ~
Jean
My partner just reminded me that energies were supposed to be intense during the solar flares this weekend. Knowing that would have made me feel better. I might have given myself permission to just lie around all day. But, no…. My German heritage had me looking for whatever I could do while totally messed up; I zigzagged around the edges of new cloth dinner napkins, and ground to a halt after three. Second lesson: I still don’t take good enough care of myself. I’ve come to depend on Greg to remind me to come out in the garden, but he didn’t this time. Good to know I’ve become weak there.
Just added: Of course, there’s a daily aspect too, but it’s also important to go retrospective now and then for a longer view.